Shall We Dance?

[reporting from Haiti]

The past few weeks in Haiti have been quite eventful for me and my family as we’ve been taking dance lessons, revolving mostly around ballroom dancing. For those of you who have been spending too many nights at dark facilities, with throbbing techno music and waking up at someone else’s place, most of the time, not even knowing who that person is, ballroom dancing is the classical form of couple’s enjoyment, where the woman faces the man, creating a more intimate relationship, not her humps, facing and dry-humping his hump, as I’m sure you know what I’m talking about, creating an erotic “I wanna penetrate you this instant!!!!!” one-night stand. Some see dancing as a pastime, some see it as foreplay, while others see it as a conversation. I firmly believe in the latter. As one dances with his partner, what needs to happen for that beauty to resonate between the couple, is a constant flow, a communication of body language, telling me to move this way or that, telling me that I’m about to be dipped, telling me that I’m about to be touched in a most unexpected and if done right, exhilarating way. This is what makes dancing such an orgasmic experience. We take the tango for example, a passionate dance about love, lust and every feeling that turns on every hormone in our body about the attraction and the chemistry between two people. As the couple engages in this dance, the ones watching witness a transformation, a poetry enfolding as this couple tells us their story, their fate, their destiny and ultimately their climax or their doom. The vitality with which the couple expresses their emotions will correspond with the level of attention the audience decides to spend watching them. And if that couple expresses an unprecedented ardor, the audience will be captivated, trapped in an uncontrollable trance, unable to move away from this phenomenon that is blooming before them.
I’ve realized that everything I do nowadays, everything I think about seems to revolve around my relationship with my mother. The relationship I wish I had with her seems to be happening with everyone and everything else around me, but her. But the problem is, this isn’t entirely her fault. I am to blame for this also. Every night, I pray that my relationship with her gets better, especially for my little brother. But what I always fail to ask Him is for me to want that relationship to get better, for me to have the will to solve our problems…But why do I not want to? Why is it that whenever I have problems with everyone else, whether it be friends or family, I can’t live with myself until I ask for forgiveness or I rebuild bridges but when it comes to my own mother, I honestly don’t give a shit? Is it because she has been pushing me away without realizing it? Or have I been contributing to this pushing away as well by not talking to her, by not opening to her, by not being comfortable with her…all because…I don’t want to…
Is it possible to fix a relationship once it’s been broken for such a long time when there isn’t much effort from both sides? Is it honestly possible for me to be able to dance in one flow with my mother, to be able to create this amazing phenomenon as two becomes one, expressing an infinite love that can withstand whatever storm without sinking…I want to want to be able to do that…but I don’t know…the future looks bleak and my physical and mental body can only withstand so much…