Espoir.

Baker, Baker
Baking a cake
Make me a day
Make me whole again
And I wonder
What's in a day?
What's in you cake this time?

I guess you heard
He's gone to LA
He says that beihnd my eyes I'm hiding
And he tells me I pushed him away
That my heart's been hard to find.

Here, there must be something
Here, there must be something.
Here, here...

Baker Baker can you explain
If truly his heart
Was made of icing
And I wonder
How mine could taste
Maybe we could change his mind.

I know you're late
For your next parade
You came to make sure
That I'm not running
Well I ran from him
In all kinds of ways
Guess it was his turn this time

Time thought I'd made friends with time
Thought we'd be flying
Maybe not this time

Baker Baker
Baking a cake
Make me a day
Make me whole again
And I wonder
If he's mkay
If you see him say hi.

Symphony.

Everybody sees it's you
I'm the one that lost the view
Everybody says we're through
I hope you haven't said it too.

So where do we go from here
With all this fear in our eyes
And where can love take us now
We've been so far down
We can still touch the sky.

Why did I change the pace
Hearts were never meant to race
I always felt the need for space
But now I can't reach your face
So where are you standing now?
Are you in the crowd of my faults?
Love, can you see my hand?
I need one more chance
We can still have it all.

If we crawl
Till we can walk again
Then we'll run
Until we're strong enough to jump
Then we'll fly
Until there is no end
So let's crawl.
Back to love.

Everybody see's it's you
Well, I never wanna lose that view.

Back to love.

In The End...

You don't know what you've got until it's gone...There are about 151,000 songs out there that preach this, and this is only in English. Yet how come it refuses to register within our mindset? As a follow-up to my previous entry, "For Reasons Known", this is a continuing analysis of the human mindset when it comes to relationships. Whether it's because of how we were raised or how the perfect relationship is perceived in the next Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan romantic comedy (sorry, I'm old school), all of us have these expectations of what and how relationships are supposed to be, the steps they are supposed to follow, at what point one is supposed to be after this many years. It's logical. As professionals, we can try to argue both sides of the case but when it comes to human emotions, this is impossible. Math doesn't work. If it did, so much would be understood as to why we love or why many of us tend to be attracted to the same type of people. As I've heard once on "This American Life" on Chicago Public Radio, sure there is someone out there for everyone. Good luck with that because they might speak Chinese.
Overtime, relationships have evolved and gotten so complicated. Now that it is becoming clearer than before that gay relationships do exist and do thrive, psychologists have had a lot more on their plate now. When it comes to gay relationships, we deal with something that straight couples don't deal with and that is the closet case. Because of what society believes a man is supposed to be, there are expectations to be met. "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" should be enough of a clue. It's a non-sensical policy. The same applies to sports. Men have a certain camaraderie where there is a level of comfort and displays of affection that they can safely apply to each other without the risk that there is a hidden meaning behind it, that might cause discomfort...well, at least, on the surface. Add a gay man into this mix and for them to know that this man is gay would shatter that world for them. It's heterosexual security. It keeps them sane. It helps them cope with the old ball and chain back home. What's even worse is finding gay men who act in this manner. Ever heard a gay man say about another that he doesn't understand why he has to be such a faggot? Society has created conflicts within every spectrum. People have become outcasts amongst outcasts. There will always be high-fives, misogynistic comments, beer and sports. And no one will notice the closet case, sitting alone in the back, afraid and hurting because of what he is forced to show on the outside until they found him dead in his room, overdosed. His only comfort was that he was in his room, alone, away from the judgment.
Pushing this further into African-American communities, it becomes even more complicated. African-American families have dealt with problems on all ends when it comes to keeping families together. A man is the leader of the family. He is expected to keep everything together. With tradition, the woman looks up to him. He is her rock. She depends on him. This is how he was raised. The Jehovah's Witnesses who come knocking kn your door on Saturday mornings take this quite drastically. They've become maniacal with every aspect so much that celebrating your own son's or daughter's birthday is looked down upon by the "community". As a developing young man in such a community, the feelings they may feel towards another young man are suppressed with again, the expectation that they will fade away. But what ends up happening is misery and loneliness, where the family that they have constructed and worked so hard on never really develops emotionally within them. What ends up happening is their trips to other parts of town to have illicit sex with other men. This will obviously be seen as animalistic, their irony of human nature. But these men are so troubled that they can never really be in a relationship with a man or a woman. The ones that have started families though are the ones that are hurt the most. Not only are they hurt but the family is completely destroyed, with the poor children hanging in the balance, either too young to understand what's going on or too fragile to witness their support system completely fall apart over time. All of this because of ignorance, stubbornness and close-mindedness. Misunderstanding brings violent distrust.
With this in mind, where does that put those of us who have come to grips with who we are? We become stubborn, selfish and pushy. We've literally become bullies to people who want to love us because we expect them to do the same as us. We're out of the closet so why can't they do it? Even if we know it'll be harder for them, we still push and push and push. Some of us who are out just know for a fact that we could never go out with someone else who is in the closet because of the double-face, being introduced sometimes as a friend, sometimes not at all. We feel hurt and unappreciated. We feel that this person that you love so much is embarassed to be seen with you because he is a man and there are rules to follow. We fail to realize that all that person needed was for us to help them, to not show them the same judgment and criticism that forces them in the closet in the first place. They feel that as a gay man yourself, you would understand where he is coming from. But we make it that much harder for him because you are an outcast just as he is, so to be rejected by that community as well is that much harder. We never realized he was caring, honest, understanding and we threw it all away just for the sake of holding his hand in public or just being kissed in public. Relationships are so much more than that. This is a plea for understanding and acceptance. We have too many problems in this community already. Let's not make it worse. It is unfortunate that we will most likely realize this when the love he used to feel for you is just not there anymore. You think back of how he used to say you would be the perfect boyfriend, of how it made his day to see his favorite person in the world, of the names you used to have for each other...None of is there anymore.

You've lost the battle.

For Reasons Known.

I pack my case. I check my face.
I look a little bit older.
I look a little bit colder.
With one deep breath, and one big step, I move a little bit closer.
I move a little bit closer.

I caught my stride.
I flew and flied.
I know if destiny kind, Ive got the rest of my mind.
But my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to.
And my eyes, they don't see you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don't recognize you no more.

There was an open chair.
We sat down in the open chair.
I said if destiny kind, Ive got the rest of my mind.
But my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to.
And my eyes, they don't see you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don't recognize you at all.

I said my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to and my eyes don't recognize you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don't recognize you no more.

Look back two months ago...

Glee!

Landlords knocking at my door cussing me out
Got laid off my job the night before
Can’t figure how
I’m gonna fix tomorrow away
If today’s still a mess
Can you tell me what’s the point, man?
It all seems meaningless
I wish that I could step away and breathe
This world’s trying to swallow me
Clear away the clouds inside my head

Someone just tell me
That it’s mkay now
What are you worried about?

Got my dreams, got my life, got my love
Got my friends, got the sunshine above.
Why am I making this hard on myself
When there’s so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy?

People lie, people hide, people cry, people fight.

And they don’t know why
If fear is all that we should fear
Then what are we so afraid of?
Cause fear is only in our heads

Someone please say...

Any day I'll go bad thinking bad
Everyone is against me and the world wants to fight me
Preparing to battle an enemy unseen
During my stressing, I’m blinded to the lesson
That could be a blessing if I'd been confessing that the enemy
I’m trying to beat is hiding inside of me.

But it’s mkay now...what are you worrying about?...

Keep your grind on, bub...it’s your love, it’s your world...

He Said...She Said...

Back when our parents were growing up, relationships tended to be a 1 + 1 = 2 equation, which eventually amounted to 2 becomes 1. It was much more simpler then. Whatever needed to be said was said. Not only was it said, but it was said honestly with the kind of emotion that both parties could tell one from the other. Body language and facial expressions told so much more than the words that came out of people's mouths. Back then, it came as a supplement. Nowadays, relationships are defined more as this: (x+3)(x+2), which for those who haven't taken algebra, amounts to 0. So many variables come into factor that eventually, like a Blackberry or an iPhone or texting or MySpace or any form of messaging technoloy that what you wind up with is a flatline, right along the x-axis. Listening to my grandparents, back when both were still alive, how they resolved their problems was through talking with each other, sitting down together, holding each other's hand, with each other's best interest at heart to try and work it out. Granted that these were subjective arguments and that sometimes it is best to ask for an objective point of view to the situation, that way, you have an idea of an impartial state of mind. But how black and white is impartial exactly? In modern times, both parties agree to a certain commitment, to work things out, to give it their best shot after years together. But both ends have hurt each other so much, that they completely forgot how to meet in the middle on their own, with just each other. As a result, they start relying on friends and family for advice as to where exactly they should go with what they're trying to fix. But how much can someone on the outside really see or know what's going on between two people who are trying to build a life together? The human mind tends to distort events after a certain time, usually after that person wants certain events to go a certain way. So when they are relayed to this third party, it is no longer what actually happened. This impartial perspective that one tries to pursue tends to be riddled with so many facets of selfishness that one never realizes when it actually ends or begins. We hear comments like "I honestly can't see you two together", or "I think you should take time on your own", and "He is not the right person for you", or "I think you two need some time apart to figure things out", all of which I'm sure many of us are familiar with. But think about this for a second: why is it you tend to talk about your relationship with others only when it's rocky? Why is it you can never want to gossip about the calm seas and the bike rides and the silly little things that made you two happy, that made you two last so long before asking for what you may assume to be advice? In general, people are selfish and this is a fact. As good as they try to be, they always their own interest at heart. But two people that truly love each other, isn't it safe to assume that what made you happy together in the first place is that you had and still have each other's best interest at heart before asking for a third party's opinion? And why is that most of the time, that third party is either single, having trouble with their own relationships, always has a problem with one of the partners or has a trouble committing?

St. Augstine once said: "Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

Tell this to yourself: if it's taking a long time for you to figure what exactly you want with that person or if you want to be with him, then you probably shouldn't be with them. This applies to everything in life. If your heart is fighting against your mind to figure what to do, what decision to make about someone or something, then the decision has already been made. It's just time for you to accept it, whether it's good or bad, because much to your disadvantage and misfortune, it will lean towards the bad.