Why Not?

So it's finals time and times are rough so here's some humor that should be quite enjoyable for those of you who are open-minded and have probably experienced these moments yourselves:




















Good luck to all of you with finals and if things don't work out, as cliché as this may sound, it isn't the end of the world. You'll pick yourself right back up if you're willing. If things don't work out at all, then you start fresh somewhere else. If you're in New York City, somebody's bound to find you on the street and recruit you for the next "A Tale of Two Titties" or "Shaving Private Ryan" or "Sex Trek: The Next Penetration". You can use the same excuse of being young, being broke and being in college. Believe me, things could be a lot worse and you know it. So let's get up, find our dignities from under that bench in the park, grab some balls, pull them hard and show life we can be a bigger bitch!

Conceived Art

All art is quite useless
Art is I, science is we
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art
Art is either plagiarism or revolution
Art is a lie that makes us realize the truth
Art resides in the resolution of inner and outer conflict
What is a work of art? A word made flesh...
a thing seen
a thing known
the immeasurable translated into terms of the measurable
Art is man added to nature.

Hope As It Is

The world as we know it to this day has been vastly influenced by “advanced” beings known as humans: men, women, and something in between. Each of them is defined by their unique acts of courage, friendship, love, reliability, knowledge, sincerity and hope. Sadly enough, they are also defined by their acts of cowardice, theft, judgment, hate, stupidity, bigotry, closed-mindedness, rape and murder. These are the acts that define us as beings, human beings, the last creatures put on this earth by the Almighty. The Bible says that God put man on this earth to tend to the flora and the fauna. I beg to differ. Considering the vast amount of land and animals we are incapable of taming, I would say God put us last because he knew of the consequences we would bring about, so that delay might have saved us a few more thousands of years of life before the great apocalypse that so many speak of.
This year is my second summer working in “l’Hôpital de l’Université d’Etat d’Haïti” in Haïti, the main hospital in the capital. Last summer, we organized a major seminary, bringing together every chief of service to present what’s wrong with the hospital and plan changes for the better with the partial help of an American company. They provided the hospital with syringes, security boxes, etc…the basic needs for a typical hospital. That was the first step, meaning more are to be carried out for further progress. As more money comes in for aid, personal pockets are overflowing. As a result, the hospital has become a slow and depressing walk towards death. This year, conditions have gotten worse because of a strike from the sanitary workers. The state has refused to pay them for four months running now due to “lack of funds”. As a result, there’s garbage everywhere, the outdoor bathrooms are overflowing and running into the courtyard, flies and rats outnumber the number of patients and doctors, aggravating several cases, killing some. I’ve seen a side of man up close and personal that more fortunate others have only read of or heard on the news. So much vice encompasses humanity that any act of good is viewed with doubt and disbelief. People become cynical. People become pessimistic. People lose hope. The only light they see at then end of the tunnel is an oncoming train with no brakes. They become dark, not believing or seeing any purpose for anything anymore. So what’s the point of this, of what I’m writing? By asking you, maybe I can get some light into you. That way, you can help me understand how it got so bad, when every little sprout of good is stepped on.

So...

What can I say? For seven months now, I have been in the most intriguing, the most surprising, the most interesting, the most disturbing, the most aggravating and the most loving relationship I have ever been in. Thing is for the very first time, I truly understand what loving someone like that is. I've been in relationships before and I've said the word before, but it hasn't meant anywhere near what it means now. During the day, I think about him. At night, I dream about him and I sure as hell know we don't choose our dreams. I don't care about parents telling me it's corruption and a sin. I don't care about psychiatrists telling me it's logical and can be fixed. I just don't anymore...because I can't. I'm tired of having to constantly validate my happiness because of conventions. I'm tired of constantly having to be questioned about my "choices" by people who know nothing about the issue and just concoct a series of assumptions based on what they've read and studied by a series of people who themselves are not part of this. God works in mysterious ways and call me blasphemous if you want, but I believe this is one of his ways. He preaches that He rewards you for your good actions. I believe this is my reward: the love that I have for this man and that is returned to me. I can't say I can't live without him because I know I can. I just don't want to. This is my choice. And what makes me make that choice? All of the circumstances that brought us to this end. And when you're faced with that reality that you're going to be away from him for a long time, is it fright that you might lose him? Or is it fright that you might lose yourself without him? The former seems more like a case of insecurity. The latter is insecurity as well, except that it's both of you, together and that little difference has that big of an impact. Everything happens for a reason, they say. I still think that's a load of horse shit. But one guy whom I said I loved showed a different side of him I didn't know existed after I made a decision that didn't involve him, but involved my family. After this deed was done, he held a grudge against me, throwing us away from each other until it ended.
So is it true that you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone? Or is it that you don't know what you've got until it's going away? Relationships tests us this way. Being together all the time is great but how strong do you think you are? Can you survive a month or two without each other? Are you gonna be the same when he or she comes back? Or does it all fall apart and you realize you never had any foundations in the first place? Can I answer these questions about myself? Time can be a bitch...but only she can really tell you how and where you stand with your partner or regarding anything in your life.

So For Three Years Now...

So began a new year. For me, it was coming back, like a new season but with completely different characters, with occasional guest appearances by the old characters. For others, it was a whole new world.
So I made new friends, new alliances with the sole purpose of starting fresh and preventing the mistakes of the past two years.
So we began to trust each other and helping each other out and making sure none of us fall behind.
So we begin to realize how good we are, how much better we can get, sometimes at the expense of others, our own classmates, our own friends.
So the competition begins for the survival of the fittest as the four horsemen of the apocalypse pick their favorites.
So we lost four...
So differences began to rise, jealousy stealthily took over each desk one by one, Narcissus' dark hand supporting many.
So we made enemies, so we started hating each other,... so we sweat, so we bleed, so we cry
So we hate each other to the point that we realize our enemy is a great asset
So secrets are revealed one by one
So in just one night, I manage to disrespect a good friend and ruin that friendship
So slowly each desk begins to come down one by one
So people start disappearing one by one
So the massive room becomes less and less crowded
So it ends...

With Great Power Comes Great Responsobility...With Great Speed Comes Little Understanding

Like any follower of pop culture, my ass was dragged on opening day to see Spider-Man 3 with my friends in Manhattan. I saw it again with my family that sunday in good ol' Westchester. The two locations, less than an hour away yet an ocean separates them. However do I mean? The third installment of Spider-Man 3 revolves a lot around character development. We see more of the changes Peter Parker is going through with Mary Jane, Harry Osbourne, etc. than the web-slinger himself. Now this movie was to open the summer blockbuster movies, you know, the epics, the action, the CGI, the ogres, the pirates and so much more. The same was expected for Spider-Man, expecting as much action as possible. Many people were sorely disappointed. At some point, someone in the theater asked, "Is this Spider-Man or The OC?". In the city, people were just not digging this movie. They came to see Spider-Man kick Venom's ass, not work things out with Mary Jane and be involved in a soap-operish love triangle. A lot of times, it was impossible to hear what was going on because people were laughing at the characters' emotions. Sensitivity was just not a factor here.
Then on Sunday, in Westchester, the movie received a completely different reaction. Though the elementary kids were bored at some parts, whichever had any dialogue, the young adults and the old adults were quite attentive. They were responding as any normal people to the emotions being displayed on the screen. Sam Raimi has managed to involve the audience into his movie. But why wasn't he succesful in Manhattan?
My life has taken interesting twists, from living on a Carribean Island, picking fruits from a tree, no electricity, tropical heat, the simple and slow life. Then I moved tot he big apple, where my first day, I was almost roadkill by a speeding wheelchair. Do you see the difference? It's the way of life. New York City or any major city is cynical, dark, depressing at times, fast-paced and careless. This, in turn, affects the people that live in this city. Emotions become trivial. Tears and sadness are ridiculed or ignored. People become desensitized much to our dismay, as we no longer have any more shoulders for us to lean on. We become lonely. We become depressed. Eventually, we disappear, hoping someone somewhere will be able to notice us and pick us right back up. We allegedly evolved, but I honestly feel we are back at the stone age.

Things were so simpler then...long ago...

Sudden start
Things are slow
You're watching all these speeding cars
Moving like you wish you could
But oh, it's too bad
Cos they drove away your happiness and good times

But I'm gonna get you into the light
And I'm gonna find a way that is right
And I'm gonna get you into the light
And make it okay


Sad eyes
You are the only one whose blue skies are grey
So don't cry
You'll be the only one to make them go
away


You're so young
And so bored
You are staying now till late cos he was what your husband hated
But oh, it's too bad
Cos he has stolen now all your happiness and good times

But I'm gonna get you into the light
And I'm gonna find a way that is right
And I'm gonna get you into the light
And make it okay


Sad eyes
You are the only one whose blue skies are grey
So don't cry
You'll be the only one to make them go away
Yeah you could make them go away


It took a lot of tears
But oh, you had to find those
Sympathetic years
The ones you left behind him
The ones you left behind him

But I'm gonna get you into the light
And I'm gonna find a way that is right
And I'm gonna get you into the light
And make it okay


Sad eyes
You are the only one whose blue skies are grey
So don't cry
You'll be the only one to make them go away
You'll be the only one to make them go away


Things are gonna go away
Yeah they're gonna go your way
All about to go your way

...All there is to feel is expressed in those verses. Does that make me optimist or a pessimist? Or does that make me able to turn the pessimist into the optimist? Or is it telling me to stop trying to change people, to have them act as I see fit, to stop being hypocritical? Each and every one of those apply to everyone of us, whether it's in a relationship, or the way a class is taught, or the way your parents set their rules in their house but what ultimately defines is how we aboard these issues and how we resolve them. We always seem to think the others have to change, but exactly what makes us so perfect that change is unnecessary? I expect change, but every now and then, I realize that I have flaws myself that are contributing to the destruction of a relationship. But how many of us actually have admitted to having such problems, therefore carrying some of the load of shame we put upon our friend? The number is scarce. We tend to think the only people who are people are those who think, act and look like us but the mentality that has been drilled into your system since a very young age that we are unique has been the culprit for quite a lot of those arguments. These, then turn into depression, sadness, tears, frustration, and anger. So why not wipe these tears away and get him into the light? A smile goes a very long way and its itinerary is endless.

Flashback!

October 21st, 2004
Humanities Diary Entry

...Here I am again, heading back to boring Westchester on the peaceful Metro-North. So peaceful sometimes that you start noticing things that you wouldn't notice on a New York City subway since you would be too preoccupied with someone robbing you of your belongings or trying to find a seat. Since I had already read the "Millenium" chapter that was assigned and "Dante's Inferno" was at home, my boredom increased at an alarming rate. My eyes start to shift from the window, tired of seeing tree after tree and the occasional deer to the people around me. Thought began to flow in my head as I "people-watched": Why does his mouth open so wide to eat one slice of pizza? Why is she wearing a mini-skirt in this cold? Why is he wearing a mini-skirt in this weather? Oooh, when's the last he took a shower?, etc...But then another thought hit me: I thought I looked normal, facial expression-wise and yet they probably thought the same about themselves, but here I was, judging everything about them. How do I know the same critical thoughts are not going through their heads about me or each other? What made my perception of normal better than theirs? What makes me so special that my opinion stands above all of theirs? We always judge before we even stop and examine what's wrong with our own selves. This is a sad truth that has brought conflicts, inflicted violence and shed blood through time and country. Can we honestly say we will ever learn? From where I see this is going, I highly doubt it...

Gifts and Curses

Welcome to The Cooper Union for the Advancement of Science and Art, school of recognition and excellence. I have attended such school for two years already and this is my third so I thought it appropriate to talk about the considerable and significant, undoubtedly interesting change between the engineering school and the architecture school. Technicality, practicality, common sense...what do these mean to one as you read them? 1 + 1 = 2, no doubt about that. But is it possible that it might be equal to x? That through some form of mathematical formula, our basic perception of a concept is completely undermined? This is exactly how one feels as you cross 8th street between the engineering school into the architecture school. As far as I'm concerned, the only union all three schools truly share with each other is the fact that all its attendants received a full scholarship as they're accepted. My schedule consists of five classes, three of which, 1 + 1 = x, the remaining two being history and geometry, aspects of which you can't really mold and ponder about. What's there is there, St. Peter's Basilica was completed in 1626, complementary angles add up to 90 degrees, unalterable facts of life. But as you move into design class, or drawing or humanities,as cliché as this may sound, absolutely nothing is what it seemed. The simplest thigns can be interpreted into the most complex philosophical concept of life. It always amazes how drawing one line across the page defines division, which leads to the horizon, which leads into opposite forces, which leads into positive versus negative, which leads into life versus death. See how far I've gotten with just this one disturbance in the physicality of the page? It's all interesting, isn't it? It's always interesting and it takes hours to understand, to grasp, to manipulate and to regurgitate or maybe even digest it, processing an analytical defecation that can be represented visually, enabling everyone in the room to fathom the madness in your brain.

This is the Cooper Union's perception of maturity. I witnessed in the few minutes before the start of drawing lecture where three of my friends ganged on one of the three, tickling him, mercilessly torturing the poor soul, while three other members of our class looked on, shaking their heads in disbelief. Maturity is the stage at which maximum development has been reached or at which the process of erosion is going on with maximum vigor. Interesting definition, isn't it? We analyze more, we understand more, we become more close-minded, we look down on those who don't share that certain vision, that epiphanic seizure that wrote the path for us into this school, associating them with banality since they have adopted a basic perception of the way the environment revolves around us. Look at that...we're 18 going on 50.

This is my gift. This is my curse. Fact of the matter is, I'm gifted to the point that I analyze certain concepts in the interesting way, worthy to fill some air space inside of Cooper Union. But at the same time, I feel like I'm missing some part of my life that this maturity may have taken away from me, making me miss something that the lesser people are clearly enjoying. Last nigt, I watched an episode of Sex and the City where the main character, Carrie Bradshaw, ponders about aging after one of her friends started dating an ex-boyfriend of Carrie's. They had broken up because he had turned out to be completely inconsiderate, chauvinistic, a complete and utter asshole. Except that he seemed to change now, eight years later. This made her wonder if us, as humans, are getting wiser or just plain older? Does a larger number necessarily mean a larger brain? Do we truly understand the aspects of life that constantly revolve around us or do we go about abording them the same way we have before, making the same mistakes over and over again? Like dating, many guys and dolls will tell you that they have a "type" of guy or girl that they're into and the "types" they're not attracted to. But doesn't that mean you're dating the same person over and over again, but with just different physical features? Maybe that's one of the reasons why the relationships haven't been working. This is just my personal perspective on how life has been going around me but I still don't think I'm mature enough to stop myself from accomplishing that of which I render socially unacceptable.

The Beauty That is Abercrombie & Fitch

I'm pretty sure I already wrote something about this famous fad of our generation but it just simply cannot be ignored, since a giant crotch might be staring at you once you get out of a cab as is portrayed down below:



Not that I mind the latter but there is just something intriguing about a clothing store that's supposed to advertised for their clothes, whereas their models are barely wearing anything. Now the ripped abs and the pale skin is quite an appeal, but can I actually buy that at A&F? I mean, think about this, you walk into a store and you ask, "Excuse me, I need some flat ass and a six-pack for my husband", and the associate would answer, "Flat ass in the basement and six-pack on the second floor behind the racks and the tight pecks." And this doesn't just apply to A&F. Have you seen the latest ads for Calvin Klein? The clothes barely show on the poster, I'm not even sure if they're advertising pants or panties. Now, I know that today's society is pretty much based and built on sex and...sex but some of us would still like to shop for clothes and know what they look like on these beautiful models. But I have a feeling that we're so used to drooling at windows with a line of Calvin Klein boxer and jockstrap boxes that seeing clothes and attire on them would just feel plain...wrong for lack of a better word. I mean, hell, I remember quite well, when I was about 14, I came in my pants in a Calvin Klein store in uptown Manhattan while I drifted away from my mother for a few minutes...it was a good day... ... ...back to the subject at hand, I'm not sure I would want to see that on my little brother in public. Come on, zip up! What am I shopping for? Will this look good on me? Odds are, I'm not gonna be walking down the street with a low rise, no shirt and ripped, shiny muscles. Can you imagine the streets if that were the case? There'd be accidents every hour on the hour due to distractions. Hello, common decency!!! So the lesson here simply put: WEAR IT!!! This sure ain't the garden of Eden.

Unconditional Love

After 50 years together, these ladies finally get married in San Francisco as officials defy state law as an act of civil disobedience. Now, why would you possibly take that away from them? This will probably be my shortest entry ever, but the most meaningful in my heart.

The full article is available here: http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2004/02/13/MNGUQ50F0J1.DTL

You Think the Only People Who Are People Are the People Who Look and Think Like You...

Our hearts beat the same beat
We have the same blood
We share the same earth
We breathe the same air
I didn't contaminate it since you're still here and living
We go to different churches but aren't we all looking for the same thing?
Yet you deny me any respect and any ackowledgement because I have a different perspective about than you do
You bellitle me because your parents told you that my ways were wrong
You deny me any help because I'm the color of darkness
You prevent me from helping others because you stereotype me with what is associated with those who follow the same path as I do
You hurt me without even noticing me, sometimes even noticing it and taking pleasure as it builds up your pride and confidence
You render me speechless
You leave me without a choice
You make me angry
You turn me into a monster
You make me judge
You make me hurt
You make me kill
You don't trust me
You don't trust me around others
You feel that you have to warn others before you go somewhere with me
Why do you hate me so? Why is that since we don't share the same views on a particularly issue I have to respect your views but you won't respect mine? Why is it that my views are the wrong ones?...This is supposed to be the better life? This is supposed to be where the heart is? This is supposed to be home? Maybe I'm just too young. Maybe I don't understand. I just never thought experience and maturity meant ignorance and closed-mindedness...Yet some part of me still manages to love you. I guess I was just trained that way.

Eyes Wide Shut!

"Ever since we've been in this country, you've been going downhill."
"Just because a lot of people are doing it, does not make it right!!!"
"Turn to God, pray harder!"
"You are angry and you don't even realize it."
"I'm older, I know a lot more than you."
"You should be ashamed of yourself. I'm ashamed of you."
"Get out of my house. You've deceived me!"


A quick question for those of you who still read this site and its contents haven't offended any of you yet, what is your perception on what is offensive or not? Do issues and certain words become less offensive with age? Or is it the way we employ those words? Or is it because of their overdose in our society? Fact of the matter is, whenever one would see the word "fuck" in a blog or in anyone's personal diary, we would immediately associate it with them being angry or exercising an extreme feeling of hate towards their environment. After all the crimes that have been happening around our country with the school shootings and such, you can't blame people for worrying. But does the fact that we worry so much hinder our capabilities of properly analyzing the presented piece or the "evidence"? And if so, how do you tell the difference between what to disregard and the next Timothy McVeigh? These are questions that are hard to answer since human beings are very different from one another and we cannot be based on simple statistics. It just cannot happen like that. Just because the numbers show that someone exhibiting this sort of behavior will ultimately react this way is, in my opinion, completely absurd.

An important issue that comes in this matter is parents. Older, traditional, conservative parents tend to view anything introduced against their beliefs as a sign of the devil, the antichrist, depression or any other kind of psychological problems they may have read in some book by some other conservative close-minded "professional" like themselves. They believe that since they are older, they understand matters better due to some sort of experience that may relate to the issue directly or indirectly. I kid you not, most of them are right. But for some and a lot of them, that kind of delusional thinking is why that group should be in some form of modern therapy, showing them that times have changed, that matters are just not the same and not as simple as they used to be back then. Then they get a shrink for their children and that child ends up drifting even further apart from them than they had envisioned. That's when more problems come in and then, truly hell does break loose. But honestly, do we expect them to change and accept the new ways in just a snap? It takes time. Sometimes, it doesn't. Sometimes, they completely reject the whole idea the child has adopted as his own and can't even trust that child, even in the family. This happens to more people than many of us may think. Some of us don't even think this happens to our own friends, as they always smile at us all day, every day and then the sorrows plunge at home. That's when their condition truly worsen.

Now what does this mean for future generations to come? How will those children come out? How will our future be drawn? Will it be a world where our parents will feel like complete strangers and outcasts? It shouldn't be. It shouldn't be at all. As much as talking to them may seem impossible, as much as it may hurt to try, there is a way to bring them in and reason with us. Like I said before, you can't trust statistics to evaluate people. Every parent is different. Find out how to deal with yours and good luck.

(This entry is armed with one f- word. Parental guidance is suggested.)

It Ends Tonight: How To Save My Life

"All man think all men mortal, but themselves."
- Edward Young (1683-1765)
English poet, playwright

"The grave's a fine and private place,
But none, I think, do there embrace."
- Andrew Marvell (1621-1678)
English metaphysical poet

"Truth sits upon the lips of dying men."
- Matthew Arnold (1822-1888)
English poet, critic

Funerals: the darkest hours any normal human being wish they could avoid in their lives. Actually, I'm going to rephrase that: the darkest hours any human being in general wish they could avoid in their lives. Fact of the matter is, every single one of us has either lost someone or knows someone who has. Me, I've lost my grandfather, my uncle, my friend from junior high...and recently myself. Last year, me, my mom and my little brother went to a funeral to provide emotional support for the uncle of the deceased. When we got there, my little brother brought something to my attention: the picture of the deceased. What was surprising about it: he looked like me. Not only did he look like me, we were the same age, same major, spent the same amount of years in college, spent our early years in the same country. As I watched family, friends, faculty walk into the church, I couldn't help but wonder about my own family, friends and faculty, how much sorrow I would bring to them dying, realizing more and more how much they really care for me and how these people really mean to me. Then at the end of the funeral, as they took the coffin down the aisle, something happened. One of the family members, maybe his mother, I don't exactly remember, was trying to walk behind the coffin as two people supported her. Then she fell exactly where I was sitting, into my arms, wailing, screaming, asking for her child back. Holding her in my arms is when I started crying myself, shedding and sharing her tears for the dead son. My family was friends with the uncle, but I did not know these people personally...and here I was...crying with them, becoming a part of them, sharing their sorrow for such an early loss of such a bright young man... As we walked out of the church, my little brother held me up, smiling, trying to comfort me...From that day on, I have thought of how I would feel if I ever lost any more family members or friends. I still remember a few nights where I lay in bed crying, having vivid visions of losing my mom, my aunts, my grandma, my best friend... ...But I have grown out of that because they are still here, very much alive, some happier than others, but very much alive and enjoying life as much as those around them and their tax-deductible checks allow them...


I think of the quotes I wrote in the beginning of this blog and I think of the people in my life, how each of them have reacted to death. Whether it be crying, locking themselves in their room, screaming, breaking things, laughing, denial, it affects every single one of them. What is it about our ego that forces us to see ourselves above everyone else, thinking that we're some kind of superhero, that we're here to watch everyone else die and live beyond our years and build a world according to how we see fit? I'm sure that when each and everyone of you out there, you sit down and think about death and how it will affect you someday, you then realize how vulnerable and unstable you are, how you're not that different from everyone else after all, that you're down here with all the rest of us and that you're not here to stay. What does that mean? What's the point? Does that mean you have to constantly think about your dying day? About how you're going to die? About how we're all going to die? Absolutely not! What's wrong with enjoying the time you are on this earth? What's wrong with seeing a little light in every little thing that you do, whether it be with your family, your friends, you lover, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, you wife, your husband, your kids, everyone around you? If everytime you look at those around you and all you see is death, carnage and apocalypse, every smile and laugh that you give those around you will be filled with so much indifference, so much hidden sadness, so much disorder and instability, that all anyone will feel for you is pity and accept you for you are...well, those that will hang around. Because to them, you are already dead to them and those that care will keep trying to revive you as much as they can, in any way that they can...while others will just tell you to go to hell and watch you kill yourself more and more until you can't even give them that smile anymore.

A Cliché: Does Size Really Matter?

Mkay, I think I'm-a skip THAT train...Back to the subject at hand, the original purpose to this blog: is bigger really better? Recently, I had a discussion with a close friend of mine who told me that her partner was not that well-endowed. She got worried that he wouldn't be able to please her since it was obvious a few pleasuring inches were missing and the guy was one of the nicest she had dated in a while. But by the next morning, she had come at least five times, as far as she could remember since she passed out the last time. Now some may wonder how in God's green earth is that possible? Simple: he may have a tiny little penis, but he knows exactly what to do with it. Fact of the matter is, gay men have it easy when it comes to sex since however you look at it, both will cum. But when it comes to a woman, the process becomes a little more difficult. What men fail to understand is that there's more to just in and out when it comes to the female body. They all base it on what they see in the pornos. I tuned in "Buffy the Vampire Layer" the other night since "Forrest Hump" had already ended (gotta love Showtime), and that's when I noticed something and this was the same in every other pornos: as soon as he climbs on top of her, she starts moaning. I mean, honestly, you cannot be serious. Yes, granted, all the blood is in your dick, therefore that hinders any capabilities of you rationalizing that this is an act, a movie and that these are "actors". But you're making love or having sex or "chill heavy" or whatever you want to call it, for Gods heavenly mercy. She's a not a toaster you can turn on or off. Connect with her. READ her!!!! What is she thinking? What will she be thinking after this event? Where will she want this to go? Know what you're doing before you get in there so you can please her. You're not supposed to be having jackrabbit sex. You know, pound-pound-pound-pound-pound-pound!!!! That's like masturbating with a woman instead of your hands, which most women do not enjoy and I'm pretty sure is illegal by now. You don't need the twelve-inch tree trunk between your legs. Work with her in there. Find her clitoris. Odds are, it's two inches from where you think it actually is. You may have a tiny little penis but at least you know exactly what to do with it.
The other way of looking at this: sex may not mean everything to you or her or both of you should you be lucky. What may have attracted her in the first place about you could have been your hot personality instead of your nice eyes, big arms, big dick or full scrotum. It could have been the fact that you were the only that noticed her when she was crying; the only one who would listen to her when she really needed someone to be there for her; the only one who knows her better than the guy she actually is with at the moment. When you've accomplished that, you will have fulfilled her even better than you thought was even possible. Call me the eternal optimist for thinking in such ways considering I lived in one of the most cynical cities in the world, where women want to see a blood test and a ATM receipt before even giving you their number. But what's wrong with hope, eh? Keeps a lot of us still going.

My New Year's Resolution

I am not a child now.
I can take care of myself.
I mustn't let them down now-
Mustn't let them see me cry.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm to tired to listen.
I'm too old to believe:
All these childish stories.
There is no such thing as faith,
And trust,
And pixie dust.
I'll try,
But its to hard to believe.
I'll try,
But I can't see what you see.
I'll try.
I'll try.
I'll try.
My whole world is changing,
I don't know where to turn.
I can't leave you baby,
But I cant stay and watch the sitting burn;
Watch it burn.
'Cause I try,
But its so hard to believe!
I'll try,
But I can't see where you see.
I'll try.
I'll try.
I'll try and try,
To understand,
The distance in between:
The love I feel,
The things i fear,
I dearly say good dream.
I can finally see it.
Now I have to believe:
All those precious stories.
All the world is made of faith,
And trust,
And pixie dust.
So I'll try,
'Cause I finally believe!
I'll try,
'Cause I see where you see!
I'll try.
I'll try!
I'll try!
I'll try-
To fly.

...I'll try...quite a simple resolution one might say. But considering 2006, which is probably the worst year I've ever lived since I came out of my mother's vagina, I should have picked up a clue when I started last year hanging on the ledge of my window with a bottle of wine. But being the eternal optimist, these things just don't register easily. The year started deteriorating when my mother began realizing that I've been constantly lying to her about pretty much everything. She started crying and ranting about she could never stick by my side, as she didn't know who I was. That's when I remembered my resolution for 2006: Honesty! Then I came out to her in a seven-page letter, describing and recounting everything since I was 9 years old. From then on, a series of unfortunate events took place that went about destroying the already fragile relationship between us. For 10 months, from March to December, every word that we said to each other was filled with distrust and sometimes hatred for the other, mostly from my part. For 10 months, from March to December, terrible thoughts flowed through my mind whenever it came to my mother. For 10 months, from March to December, my mother went through the worst depression of her life. For 10 months, from March to December, the best relationship I've had in a while, the only thing that kept me on my feet, was completely shattered. For 10 months, from March to December, my whole family saw me evolve and mature into something completely unexpected, different than everyone in the family. For 10 months, from March to December, I saw the honest side of my family, who and what I was truly dealing with...
What do you do then, when your eyes suddenly open in so many abrupt and sudden, sometimes unwanted events? You try is what you do. You try as hard as you fucking can to make it work. You try until you get results, whether they be negative or positive, at least you'll know that you tried. Though your efforts may be in vain, there were efforts. That alone says something about you. Just standing there and watch as events unfold in front of you, while that small little action of yours could have turned them in a different path, is unworthy and unacceptable. Because if you don't see it now, they will come back and affect everything you cherish in a most unsuspecting way or a way that you knew it would yourself. But you were too coward to do anything about it and you watch as it destroys everything you've built. I quote:
"It's not who I am. It's what I do that defines me"
...It's hard, believe me. It may seem easy for some but building up the courage to do it can substitute for the hard part. And once you've accomplished that feat, that gives you a label about yourself that absolutely no one can take away from you.

Happy New Year to all of you who have made my life this much more interesting and who never cease to inspire me every day. Thank you!