Confessions of a Dildo

January 24th, 1969

Dear diary,

here I am lying still in the darkness...awaiting the inevitable moment when the Hand comes to get me. So dark and so stuffy in here...I always wondered why the Hand kept me under so much articles...how am I to survive like this? The events of the day start flowing back to me. I remember being on the shelf with the rest of my family: papi Audi-Oh, mami Rabbit, uncle Dirty Harry, auntie Quiver-n-Tingle, the exchange student Fukuoku, which translates into something about two fingers and a thumb and little Rascal Eddie. We were all happy together...until she came. I knew from the moment I saw her she had no good intentions, that she meant to separate us...and sure enough she did. The days that followed were ones of terror, confusion, and discomfort. Every night, as that great ball of fire disappeared, she would appear from above and I felt myself lifted into the light only to be plunged back into darkness. Up and down I would go, my poor head constantly against and into this sweaty, stuffy cave. oh the agony; oh, the pain; oh, the misery. I am too sensitive for this kind of a job. I have emotions too, you know...dear God of lubricant plastics, what is that smell?!?!??!... .... ...(low battery)...

I'm in a New York state of mind...

so where do I begin as to the reason why I love New York City so much? a city where half-naked ripped men grace the streets, with everything (and i mean everything ;-)) is blown out of proportion to provide us with an exhilirating and breath-taking shopping experience. We all know Abercrombie & Fitch can only work its male models. I mean, come on, do we seriously care much for these plank asses the women drag along 5th ave. with them? As we always say, God Bless America, my home sweet home, I'm a-cummin'!!!

Hmmm...

I don't think I've had to strain this hard since my offering to the porcelain bowl after my weekend in Mexico City.

Sports aren't my forte but...

...I'd kill to be in such a compromising position ;-D

Truth and trust: friends...or foes...

One of my favorite french essayists, Michel de Montaigne, once said "I tell the truth, not as much as I would, but as much as I dare -- and I dare more and more as I grow older." Society has us to believe that a relationship should be based on honesty and not on a foundation of lies. I look around me, my friends, my co-workers, my peers in general and I see some of them cheating, some of them building secret friendships without their significant others knowing, thinking that the significant other would grow suspicious and not understand. But we fail to realize everytime that upon doing this, we lie to ourselves, the ones who we say "i love you" to and ruin something that could be great. Yes, telling the truth will get you in trouble if what you did was wrong and most people don't want to face that. Fact of that matter is, humans are cowards. We never understand the difference between what is right and what is easy. Consequently, we make more mistakes, worsening the situation. I never understood why people made these sort of mistakes in relationships...until I made it myself.
Being judgmentally impaired, as much as a cliché as that may sound, I have made the worst mistake of this year and one of the worst mistakes of my life, almost losing someone truly dear to me. He decided to forgive me, but still has let me know that he doesn't trust me yet, that it will take some time. Yes, that's true, it does hurt, but I cannot tell myself that I didn't deserve that. I told him I loved him, while my actions completely proved otherwise. We've been together for a very rocky month now. The possibility of something good still brews in the atmosphere...

Who said pork was bad for you?

'nuff said!!!

The beauties of heterosexual pornography...

so I was bored one night and decided to explore and examine how my heterosexual counterparts surfed the internet one-handed and I must say, I was quite taken aback:

The Matrix becomes:


Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves becomes:

Eye Wide Shut becomes:
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom becomes:


Thunderbirds becomes:

Terrors from the Crypt becomes:

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre becomes:

A Tale of Two Cities becomes:

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang becomes:

City Slickers becomes:

and a few more that I will not grace you eyes with images:

20,000 Legs Under the Sea
2002: A Sex Odyssey
A Clockwork Orgy
A Penile Action
A Tale of Two Titties
All Hands On Dick
Anus the Menace
Ass Ventura: Smut Detective
Battlestar Orgasmica
Beverly Hills Cock
Black Men Can Hump
Bone Alone
Bonfire Of The Panties
Buffy the Vampire Layer
Butch Lesbian and the Lapdance Kid
Cliff Banger
Coo-Coo for CoCo Cocks
Crocodile Dun-Me
Cum to Drink of It
Cumming to America
Das Booty
Deep End With Some Lotion
Dial M for Missionary
Dickman and Throbin Hood
Dickman Forever
Dog-Style Afternoon
Doing John Malkovich
Dun-Hur
E3: The Extra-Testicle
Edward Penishands
Ejacula
Enema of the State
Erectnophobia
Flashpants: Cop a Feeling
Flesh Gordon
For Your Thighs Only
Foreskin Gump
Forrest Hump
Frisky Business
Full Metal Bikini
Ghostlusters
Gonad the Barbarian
Good Will Humping
Guess Who Came At Dinner
Hannah Does Her Sisters
Hindfeld
Honey, I Blew Everybody!
I Cream On Genie
I Reenter Mama
In RearEndence Day
Intercourse With a Vampire
Interview With a Vibrator
Jack/Off
Jennifer Ate
Juranal Park
Jur-ass-ic Park
Lawrence of Labia
Mad Jack: Beyond Thunderbone
Malcolm XXX
Mighty Joe Schlung
Miracle on 69th Street
Missionary Impossible
Murphy's Brown
Mutiny on the Booty
Natural Born Thrillers
Night of the Giving Head
Oh Cum on Ye Faces
An Officer and a Genitalman
On Golden Blonde
Picnic at Hanging Cock
Pornochio
Pulp Friction
Pumping Irene
Regarding Hiney
Reservoir Bitches
Riding Miss Daisy
Romancing the Bone
The San Francisco 69ers vs. the Green Bay Butt Packers
Saturday Night Beaver
Saving Ryan's Privates
Screw The Right Thing
Sgt. Pecker's Lonely Heart's Club Gangbang
Sex Trek: Penetrations
Sexcalibur
Shake My Spear, I'm In Love
Sheepless in Montana
Snatch Adams
Splatman
Splendor In The Ass
Star Whores
Tailiens
Tales from the Clit
The 7" Samurai
The Bare Bitch Project
The Bitches of Madison County
The Bootyguard
The Empire Strokes Black
The Flintbones
The Fuckulty
The Horny-Mooners
The Humpback of Nasty Dames
The Hunt for Miss October
The Joy Suck Club
The Load Warrior
The Long Ranger
The Maddam's Family
The Naked Bun
The Porn Birds
The Replacement Drillers
The Rodfather
The Sexorcist
The Sixth Inch
The Slutty Professor
The Sperminator
The Talented Mr. Lickme
The Touchables
The Whore of the Worlds
The XXX Files
Thighs Wide Shut
Too Clothed For Comfort
Twin Cheeks
Wet Dreams May Come
Wetness for the Prosecution
When Harry Ate Sally
Willie Wanker and the Fudge Packing Factory
Yank My Doodle - It's A Dandy
Yo Quiero Taco Smell
You've Got Tail

there you have it. No wonder men are so horny. No wonder also a lot of them are clueless when it comes to sex. As I rested home to watch "Battlestar Orgasmica", I've realized this since as soon as the man climbs on top of her, she starts moaning already. It's her clitoris people, not the sphynx, nothing to decipher.

I won't say I'm in love...

as we get involved in relationships, we are advised not to say these three little words that can mean so much in a relationship. These three little words when they are said, can either scare your partner away or it can shake their core and change the way they perceive life, bringing light, optimism and joy wherever they go and whenever. But when do you say "I love you!"? how do you know when is the right time? if everytime you spend time with this person, and you feel like the world can just finish but just you and him or her, is that love...or an illusion? some say love is an illusion, a lie that blinds us from seeing the truth. Others argue that people with that train of thought are those who haven't experienced it or have had a bad experience with it. But does that mean they're wrong just because Cupid didn't do them justice? That makes me think of one of my favorite songs:

If there's a prize for rotten judgement
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history-been there, done that!
Who'd'ya think you're kidding
He's the earth and heaven to you
Try to keep it hidden
Honey, we can see right through you
Girl, ya can't conceal it
We know how ya feel and
Who you're thinking of
No chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no
You swoon, you sigh,
Why deny it? Uh-oh!
It's too cliche
I won't say I'm in love
I thought my heart had learnt its lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screaming get a grip, girl
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out
Oh
You keep on denying
Who you are and how you feel
Baby, we're not buying
Hon, we saw ya hit the ceiling
Face it like a grown-up
When ya gonna own up
That ya got, got, got it bad
No chance, no way,
I won't say it
Give up, give in
Check the grin, you're in love
This scene won't play,
I won't say I'm in love
You're doing flips
Read our lips
You're in love
You're way off base,
I won't say it
Get off my case,
I won't say it
Girl, don't be proud
It's okay, you're in love
Oh
At least out loud,
I won't say I'm in love

I want to tell him, i want to tell him badly, but I want him so much that I don't want let him go. No need to rush anything. as the song says, at least out loud, i won't say i'm in love...

Hmm, music to my ears...i mean, between my thighs...

to the beat of my...to the beat of my...to the beat of my clit


so i was enlightened the other day by a, shall we say, quite a surprising fact. A new invention from Apple's never-ending sweat-shop products, constantly being upgraded. This time, if the sound of what you're listening to doesn't take you for a ride, what it's connected to will definitely do the job. Yes, my friends, I am talking about a vibrator, that moves with the sound of your song and pleases in such way. The following is a testimonial from a friend:

So I turned her on and walked around the room. Whooooo now this is different. Every time I moved, my shirt would rub against the black box and in turn the vibe would work it's magic. “Oh, yeah. I like this,” was my first reaction. So I tried standing near the stereo and seeing what would happen. Sure enough my new toy reacted right on cue. Now this was fun. It was like having Aerosmith's amp attached to my waist and connected to my clit. It was my idea of heaven, seeing as Stephen Tyler is already taken -)) The volume and duration of the sound determined the strength of the vibe. I did discover if you want a continuous vibe that you can do this with the first setting. Actually what I really liked was having both settings on at once, as when a sound hit the mic, it increased the buzz of the vibe for it's duration and made for a little more excitement. This wasn't actually as noisy as I thought it might have been either. It does pack a pretty powerful punch considering its size, although not quite enough to put me over the edge. I might even be persuaded to take this one out shopping with me.
Another way I discovered to use the Audi-o was in the car. If I perched the black box near the stereo, driving took on whole new dimension, as did riding home from the store -)) I don't suggest you do this too often as it is a little distracting and it's probably safer when someone else is driving.

Now, my morning music is usually composed of Pitbull, Sean Paul, Black Eyed Peas, etc., you get the picture. Can you imagine "dancing" to those beats? Can you even try to think about what "Pump It" would feel like between your legs? "Pump it (louder), pump it (louder), pump it (louder)". It seems like some pain could result from such activity. I wonder if they make some for gay men as well...hmm, musical suppositories...

Modeling, the Fashion World, Hot People in general...

this is why i love fashion shows and modeling: the men are always better treated than the women are...well, healthwise anways. i mean, just look at these pictures as to what defines "hot" in a woman, that is for the runway:






as opposed to hot in a man:







it's just one of much unfairness in our society these days as women are forced to go on on excruciating diets, where they have to constantly watch their figure and men work out to become these objects with greek-like bodies, with rock-hard abs you could grate cheese on, lean hard chests,...rock-hard abs....lean chests..... ..... .....what was i talking about??!??!

Black People and Fried Food!

so my asian friend told me the other day, that it is a common stereotype for black people to eat mostly fried foods. Eating unhealthy results in imbalances in our digestive system, bringing cholesterol, blood clots, heart attacks, death, blah blah blah...fact of the matter is, we love it. and watching her constanly watching her figure, thinking constantly that she's fat, while she's sexy as hell, I just grab that thigh and suck the meat in, leaving it bone dry, making her mouth water so much that she'd probably drown in it (that comment just made me nauseous). Fact of the matter is, minorities are one of the most unhealthy people to walk this earth when it comes to food. I spent thirteen years in the carribean and believe me, just thinking about that food is enough to make me cum in my pants. A popular food in Haiti is griot, which is actually pork. We're talking the nasty animal that roams in mud and deep shit, but tastes so good when deep-fried and seasoned, with a side order of fried, crushed plantains, hmmmmm.....you try explaining this to an American, they have that wierd muscle convulsion on their face and look at you like you have three heads. Who cares about eating healthy? Eat your heart out, take that greased-up, oiled-up chicken thigh and raise your cholesterol as high as possible. We only get to live once, so why not make the best out of it, eh? We're all gonna die anyway.