Complainte...

La lune, trop blême,
pose un diadème
sur tes cheveux roux.
La lune, trop rousse,
de gloire éclabousse
ton jupon plein de trous.
La lune, trop pâle,
caresse l'opale
de tes yeux blasés.
Princesse de la rue,
sois la bienvenue
dans mon coeur brisé.
The stairways up to la butte
can make the wretched sigh.
While windmill wings of the Moulin
shelter you and I.
Ma petite mandigotte,
je sens ta menotte
qui cherche ma main.
Je sens ta poitrine
et ta taille fine,
j'oublie mon chagrin.
Je sens sous tes lèvres
une odeur de fièvre,
de gosse mal nourrie,
et sous ta caresse,
je sens une ivresse
qui m'anéantit.
The stairways up to la butte
Can make the wretched sigh
While windmill wings of the Moulin
Shelter you and I
et voilà qu'elle trotte,
la lune qui flotte,
la princesse aussi.
Mes rêves épanouis.
Les escaliers de la butte
sont durs aux miséreux.
Les ailes du Moulin
protègent les amoureux.

So I'm thinking...

Next week, I celebrate three years together with my partner and recent disagreements, sensitivities and insensitivities made me wonder about how we got this point, why is it that I feel like we are still in love. You start going out with someone and it feels like you want to celebrate every week. Then once you hit that month mark, you start celebrating every month. Once you hit that year mark, you start celebrating the years toegether...Here begin the problems. What I want you to do is notice the timeframe between the week celebrations, the month celebrations and the year celebrations. What I want you to notice and analyze, is the transition between each time sequence. Between the week celebrations, what the two of you have together is still exciting. You can't for the 7 days to go by and then to eventually say that you've been together for a month. Once this hits, your excitement grows into periods of impatience, moments where you will feel that things might be moving too slow. You start thinking about other decisions that you might wanna make together, like should your parents know about your partner, should your partner be allowed into your home yet or do you still see him in the stranger definition and of course, last but not least, sex. You know that if you get jiggy with it too early, things might spiral out of control. Your expectations might be so high that the night you two have sex, the only people getting off that night will be the people outside getting off of the bus. Your expectations might be so low that you have no hope at all for this experience and not even see the point in giving your full potential to this relationship. So where should your expectations be? Where is this middle ground that the love guru speaks of? How do you know if your middle ground matches your partner's middle ground? It's a constant game of compromise and it is exhausting. People refuse to communicate and by that, I don't mean they don't talk. They do, but in a way to make sure that they are right, that the other is wrong, that they put the other down if necessary. It's a modern form of colonization and a lot of relationships tend to go in that direction. What happens is that because of previously mentioned impatience, which can lead to boredom and frustration, one partner will find ways to make the relationship interesting, to keep it going, to make it last, to exploit it for their own benefit. What happens then is you have the girl who tells you that he is now "official" with the guy he's been after for ages, that their relationship has actually been notarized now. You get the girl who refuses to let go because she truly believes that their relationship will get better even though he has told her that he doesn't love her. You get the guy who stays with the girl not because he likes her, but because he's afraid for her. He's afraid of what might happen if her breaks up with her...Whatever happened to that time, celebrating two weeks together?...It turned into a year and without realizing it, you're going on two, three even. Time flies and our expectations are running at the same time that we forget to live in that moment where you're happy. You start making assumptions and generalizations about an entire future based on one event. If he does this, then it's going to lead to that. If she does that, then it's going to lead to this..Why are you so afraid to be wrong? Why are you so afraid to just have fun as it was meant to be? Our parents will tell us undoubtedly that there are a series of steps that have to be followed when getting into a relationship. But they lived a much less stressful life. There is a way for us to do the same now. One of the main points of a relationship is that when you come home, you know that both of you have had their share of problems and what makes them bearable is that you know your partner will be there for you. After the exciting weeks and the impatient months and the frustrating years, your partner will become the cane that holds you up when the stress on you is simply too much.

Looking back...

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Maya Angelou

Late Night Discourse on Human Understanding.

02:05 Noah
hah!
I have this great image of you in a pith helmet with an elephant gun in the african bush,
and in your scope you have a fat, bermuda-shorts clad asshole, scratching his ass.
Fratboys outside my window are having a really stupid drunken argument
02:06 Jan-Kristof
are they shirtless?
02:06 Noah
one is accusing the other of touching his deck chair
shirtless, and with a BAL approaching point five
02:07 Jan-Kristof
Oh, how I envy you
02:07 Noah
No, I don't think so
picture the stupidest argument you've ever overheard your neighbors having at two oh seven in the morning
02:08 Jan-Kristof
oh, trust me
02:08 Noah
and multiply it by twelve drunken kentucky rednecks who are dipping tobacco
02:08 Jan-Kristof
I live in the village of Tuckahoe
mkay, I don't think it's gotten taht bad
02:09 Noah
one of them now is accusing the other of trying to set him on fire with his beer.
02:09 Jan-Kristof
that*
02:09 Noah
I think we all need to go to bed.
02:09 Jan-Kristof
Well then
I think so
pour hot water on them
it works with raccoons
02:09 Noah
hehehe.
I actually have a kettle
it's an intriguing idea at that
but they're just beyond my trajectory
I'd have to throw the kettle, or ask them to step right below my window
(which they probably would0
now they're arguing about whether a non-american citizen can wear an american pie shirt.
truly
these boys are morons.
02:10 Jan-Kristof
what is going on!??!!?
02:10 Noah
a typical thursday night just north of the mason-dixon line
I wish you could hear this shit.
They're talking about whether german immigrants are more american than mexican immigrants
because the germans have a better (?) airports.
ok......
02:12 Jan-Kristof
I seriously feel like you're making this up
02:12 Noah
I only wish that were true
they're at the stage of drunkenness where they are like, really, really serious
and it's fucking hilarious.
02:14 Jan-Kristof
Good grief
02:14 Noah
"shut the fuck up you fucking cocksucking prick dick fuck, you're just making the same point over and over." "Fuck you faggot, I am a Bearcat, not a fucking wolverine"
"Fuck that shit asshatdick, if I go to the university of american cincinnati, then I wear a university of american cincinnati bearcat of america shirt.
"
Truly these men have a way with words
02:15 Jan-Kristof
If this was a porno, they would starting sucking each other off now
02:15 Noah
I am ashamed to say that come mid June, some of these mental giants may actually receive degrees.
HAH!
It's so true
they're all shirtless, and one guy just took off his pants (no underwear) to protest the other guy's gayness.
I am not sure how that works
02:16 Jan-Kristof
Graduation should be interesting
That would not be commencement as many of them may drop dead from alcohol poisoning
02:17 Noah
If evolution is right about anything, I hope its that you're right.
these guys have trouble opening automatic doors
02:17 Jan-Kristof
This is material for a sticom
02:17 Noah
or an arrest report
and now my suitemate's smoking pot
fucking hell
02:18 Jan-Kristof
my goodness!
02:18 Noah
it is such a disgusting smell
02:18 Jan-Kristof
it tastes even worse
02:18 Noah
I know
and he has eaten two xl bags of butter popcorn in the last twenty minutes
I had maybe eight hundred calories today, and he's matched that in a half hour.
02:19 Jan-Kristof
Good God, that is disgusting
careful, he might eat you next
02:20 Noah
I keep my door locked
he also walks around naked
or in,
02:20 Jan-Kristof
oh no!
02:20 Noah
and you wont believe this...
he wears thongs
at least, I think those were thongs
02:20 Jan-Kristof
....
02:20 Noah
on a three hundred fifty pound person, it can be hard to tell
02:20 Jan-Kristof
I don't know what to say anymore
02:20 Noah
he is also the hairiest person I have ever met
02:21 Jan-Kristof
oh no
You don't know hairy
02:21 Noah
he looks like a cross between a bear and a coors drinking porcupine.
02:22 Noah
at this point, the popcorn is actually harder to deal with than the pot
02:23 Jan-Kristof
I have to post this conversation as a blog
02:23 Noah
It has been unusually witty, hasn't it?
02:24 Jan-Kristof
Oh, indeed
and quite strange in ways that should not exist

- May 29th, 2009

Pre-conceived Idiosyncrasies of Sexual Orientation

Norman Mailer, an American author circa 1923, once said that “there is probably no sensitive heterosexual alive who is not preoccupied with his latent homosexuality”. At that time, the stereotypical homosexual was white and effeminate. Nowadays, it is known that it is not as exclusive as it seemed to be. The topic of this research paper will revolve around emotional restraint in homosexual men. The factors that will be taken into consideration will surround race, place of birth but mostly the environment one was raised in, where social and political setting will be taken into consideration. Gay men are stereotypically perceived in our society as the “girly men”, the men that get along with the girls, the ones that sit down over coffee to talk about their feelings, about what bothers them, just to name a few of the many attributes associated with them. But what society fails to take the time to realize, is that these men can be the most emotionally troubled men in this setting. Depression, insecurity, low self-esteem are just a few of many things that affect who they are. This paper will analyze and attempt at coming with a certain understanding of what brings this development.
It includes a wider age range and different ethnicities. Now, the stereotypes are redefined with a certain criteria in mind revolving around ethnicity, culture, city and sex. The difference between the response towards gay black men and gay white men is quite interesting to the point that there are now levels of discrimination. Being gay means you are a pervert, a child molester, a sex fiend impossible to love, a sinner. Thus are the foundations of our society that has managed to turn these previously conceived people as beacons of flamboyance and lively moods into complicated, closed boxes that are impossible to figure out how to open, slowly imploding within themselves. Homosexuals had become the most tragic irony of modern social times.
One may found people who can have African-American friends and spouses but when it comes to starting any form of relationship with homosexual black men or women, red flags are raised. Statistics show that African-American families occupy a higher percentage when it comes to rejecting the mere mention of homosexuality in their household (Sears, 1991). Because of a violent history, this culture has developed over the years around family and religion as their stronghold, both of which reject homosexuality in its own way. For the Chinese family, the word doesn't even exist in mandarin Chinese so coming out proves to be a different type of difficulty for the youngster trying to achieve this step. Ultimately though, with every family that rejects this, it comes down to pride: the family name, the expectations of a man, family values and the list goes on. Once you throw in a gay man in this mix, that balance is off. That certainty and assurance is no longer secure. Thus, the concept of the “endangered black male” is introduced. Sociologist Robert Staples states:

“The basis of a stable family rests on the willingness and ability of men and women to marry, bear and rear children, and fulfill socially prescribed familial roles. In the case of women...cooking and cleaning, giving birth to children and socializing them, and providing sexual gratification, companionship, and emotional support to their husbands...the roles of men in the family are more narrowly confined to that of economic provider and family leader.” (Unks, 146)

Staples goes on to reveal the fact that a majority of black males cannot implement these pre-conceived roles. This then takes a toll on the child. Even if he or she has or has not come out to their parents, just hearing their points of view regarding the issue is enough to tear them apart. As he grows up, a sense of anger and disappointment starts developing, bearing ground within him.
So, starting from the beginning, where exactly does one look? Where can one say that this emotional block really begins? It is no hidden fact that the teenage years are the most difficult years for almost everyone. These are the years that children are trying on different identities, conflicts with parents, especially the one they're closest to start being more frequent. Their primary goal is to achieve independence and to form their own moral code, which can be quite the opposite of what they were taught, sometimes just so they can provoke their parents. It's during those times that cooperation between both the teenager and the parent is the most important. This means that the parent needs to ask themselves some questions in regards to raising their teenager, such as: “Am I a controlling parent?”, “Do I listen to my child”, and “Do I allow my child's opinions and tastes to differ from my own?” The last one can prove to be the most difficult to ask as parents are drilled with the “Mother knows best” mentality. What many of them fail to realize though is that while they do have experience, these are different times and there are situations their offspring might be a lot more familiar with than they are.
To prevent this gap from widening, there are tips that parents should follow. One is for the parent to educate themselves without forgetting what they went though themselves and to try and relate to them. Second is talk to their child early enough, by asking them questions if something is visibly wrong with them. The point is to make them feel comfortable enough to talk about anything and everything without any judgment. Ask questions: “are you noticing any changes in your body?”, “are you having any strange feelings?” or “are you sad sometimes and don't know why?” Third is to put themselves in their child's place. Though times have changed, the parent needs to understand that they are not the only ones stressed with bills and responsibilities, that the child is also stressed and that this needs to be acknowledged. Fourth is to pick their battles. Parents will go as far as putting every infraction on the same level. This will only confuse the child and it also puts the parent in the wrong position. Parents need to learn to not compare their child dyeing their hair blue to doing drugs and alcohol. This brings us to the fifth tip, which is to maintain their expectations. If parents have appropriate expectations, then the child will likely try to meet them. Sixth is to inform their teen and stay inform themselves. Parents need to make sure that they know who their child's friends are and also know these friends' parents. Find out about their views on parenting and how this might influence their child in regards to their own views.
Parents tend to joke about the fact that children don't come with manuals. As much as it would be appreciated that the newborn comes out with a user's guide attached to the umbilical cord, this still remains a fantasy. What a child does give though as they develop, are warning signs, which parents should carefully look out for, as they may signal real trouble on its way — the kind that needs professional help. These signs include sudden change in friends, falling grades, talks or even jokes about suicide and signs of tobacco, alcohol or drug use. Problems of identity and security serve as a platform for behavior a parent would never attribute to their child. Add in sexual confusion into the mix and raising this child becomes that much more difficult to accomplish. But going back to the tips that were discussed earlier, communication is key. Talking to the child and having him or her realize where exactly the parent stands on this issue will either make it easier for him or her to talk about it or have him or her repress his or her feelings that much more. But with so many factors that affect the gay community, from discrimination to HIV/AIDS, it is no surprise that it is a difficult experience for the parent as well as the gay child. It may not be as difficult for the parent as it is for the child, but it does have a powerful effect on their nature.
Where this becomes a strain on the child is when they realize that the parent no longer sees them as their child but another tragic statistic. From interviews that were carried out with youngsters between the ages of 13-20, more than 75% agreed that being gay was the most interesting thing about them to their parents in a very negative way. It was clear to them that the parent no longer saw them as their child, but as a homosexual, an uncertainty in the household. One architecture student of 22 years of age was interviewed about his coming out to his family and the response that he received:

"I came out to my mother my second year of college after she had a breakdown about the fact that I kept lying to her and she was never sure when I told her the truth or not. I wrote her a seven-page letter going back to when I realized I was gay at the age of 9 to coming out to myself and everyone else at 17 years old. I put the letter on her desk and left the house so I didn't have to see her initial reaction as she read it. She then called me crying, asking me to come home, so we can talk. When I got home, my little brother had already gone to bed and my mother was waiting for me on the sofa. She first blamed herself for not being around more in my life. She then asked if anyone had hurt me, if I was raped. Then she said that it was the lack of a father figure that made me think this way. It sounded like she had been reading up on the statistics, waiting for this moment to come. The night eventually ended with her telling me to take it easy, to not do anything drastic. The next day, we had lunch and it seemed like she was really by my side on this, that maybe this wouldn't be as difficult as I thought it would be or as people made it seem. I had spoken too soon. That year would be the worst as my mother began to trust me less and less when I told her that I had a boyfriend. There was a time where she didn't trust me with my own little brother. He was having pains in his butt at the time and my mother had found lubricant in the garbage can in the bathroom so she ultimately put two and two together. It turned out that my little brother actually had hemorrhoids, hence the pain and the lubricant, I had used for masturbation. This still didn't convince her though. She was determined that this had happened, that I had raped my little brother, even though my little brother had shown no change in behavior and no sign that this had ever happened. This ended up ruining our relationship. The summer came around when I went to Trinidad and my aunt knew of the situation so her and my mom decided that I see a therapist. My mother ended up coming in after a while so she could speak to both of us. She had determined that we had more problems than just the homosexuality and that we were not ready to live together." (Anonymous. Personal Interview. 24 April 2009).

This examples gives one an idea of how the closeted space is built around young men such as this one. One of the most sensitive subjects to be questioned here is the issue of trust. This woman no longer recognized the young man as her son but as the homosexual that he is. What that means is that even though in front of her standing there is still her son, her mind tells her otherwise. Because of pre-conceived notions of what homosexuality is, she immediately started associating these aspects with her son to the point that they had completely replaced her son. Her notion of what homosexuality was that they were a series of men who were mentally unstable, pedophiles, nymphomaniacs, to the exaggerated point where they might even be the Antichrist. Being a religious woman, this was unacceptable for her to have something like that close to her home, let alone in it. She saw her son as the danger that he represented to the family. Going back to when it was mentioned that gay men either fall into depression or excel at everything else when it comes to dealing with homosexuality, psychologists argue that presented with situations such as this one, pushes that behavior even further. It goes to a point where the young men want to disassociate themselves with other gay men as well. In the popular TV show “Greek”, one of the characters, Calvin Owens, refuses to go on in a relationship with a guy that he had just met after he sends him flowers for a wonderful night out. Calvin's argument is that his date was “too gay”. What needs to be remarked here is that this date was not flamboyant in any sense, but that he was too sensitive. In the gay community, Calvin is what is labeled as a “top”. He is the masculine one in the relationship, the one who gives, the one who knows baseball statistics, the one who wears the pants. He is in a frat and excels at almost every sport in his college. His date, Michael, is the scholar, the one who reads and analyzes too much, sets up the candlelit dinner and send flowers as signs of love and appreciation. Michael is known as a “bottom”. Tops will argue that it is not necessary for bottoms to act the way they do, that they don't need to be so feminine, that they should toughen up, that they need to be reminded that they are still men. Bottoms on the other hand, will argue that tops are too closed, that they need to be more open, that they need to talk more, that they need to be more sensitive and compassionate, that they need to be more sensitive. As it is with heterosexual relationships, there are roles that each partner feels that they are expected to follow, even though there is still room for fluidity in this sort of gender roles.
Going back to the example of Calvin Owens, another factor that comes in play is athletics. In the United States and many countries around the world, athletics occupy a special place for men. It is idolization of the male athlete, performance command attention and reverence. Pat Griffin explains the functions that sports serve in maintaining traditional gender roles and power inequities between men and women: a) defining and reinforcing traditional conceptions of masculinity, b) providing a context for acceptable and safe male bonding and intimacy, c) establishing status among other males, d) reinforcing male privilege and perceptions of female inferiority, and e) reifying heterosexuality (Messner and Sabo, 1990). Looking at these functions, one cannot help but wonder that these are just reassurances to trump many forms of insecurities present in developing young men. Constant reminders and affirmations that they are men, that they are these bundles of testosterone that need to represent that, ends up being applied in every aspect of their lives. They are taught to suppress those emotions that reflect softness, such as compassion, tenderness, or fear. It helps them develop a sense of solidarity, built with a strong foundation around their identities. We see this form of solidarity and male athlete bonding in it most extreme form in teammates participating in gang-rape and gay-bashing, developing a sort of scoring system to rank sexual conquests. This builds a sense of superiority over the female psyche and a rejection of everything considered to be feminine.
In the setting mentioned above, it would be, of course, ludicrous to even think that there are no gay or lesbian athletes. This brings up one of Griffin's functions, that of reifying heterosexuality. She asks, “if gay men can be athletes, and can display qualities of masculinity that are valued in athletics, how can other men confidently differentiate themselves from gays?” (Unks, 57). It's no surprise that every study shows that men are a lot more homophobic than women are. Part of the training they receive in athletics is the brain-washing belief that being gay is scornful. It is inferior, base and worthless. Antigay name-calling, jokes and violence serves as reassurance of their masculinity and their heterosexuality. It is a form of social control that helps them excel at athletics. Being called a “faggot” or being compared to a girl is probably the worst insult one can throw at an athlete. For those who are actually gay in this setting, it becomes an environment that is uncomfortable and even dangerous for them. What gay and lesbian athletes end up discovering is that it is best for them to remain in the closet with a “don't ask, don't tell” policy. Another TV show, “Jack & Bobby” explores this aspect of athletics with one of the main characters, Jack McCallister, a senior in high school, the quarterback for his football team and his close friend, Matt Kramer. Jack comes to school one day to find out from one of his classmates that Matt had committed suicide. Jack runs to the bathroom distraught and starts throwing up. The episode, called “Lost Boys”, then goes into a flashback to explore the relationship between Jack and Matt, showing the audience how different it was in Matt's eyes than it was in Jack's. Jack had always been close to Matt, completely unaware that the reason Matt would always hang out with him was not because they had a lot in common but because he enjoyed his company, and that he had a crush on him. In a locker room scene, Jack asks Matt why he doesn't like his girlfriend, if it's some kind of jealousy he's developing so he can have the girl for himself. Matt then confesses to him that he's jealous of her. This throws both young men completely aback. Matt apologizes for being honest but says that he isn't sorry for the way he feels. Jack warns him to keep these thoughts to himself if he wants to stay on the team and even something close to their friendship to remain. Matt, heartbroken, quits the team and eventually stops coming to school. He is later found dead from suicide. When Matt's family asks Jack to speak at his funeral, Jack tries to tell the parents of Matt's true nature but finds to his surprise that the mother was very well aware and forced Matt to repress his feelings and keep them from his father. Matt Kramer is a tragic example of too much being bottled up inside to the point that the pressure was just too much and everything just collapsed. Young men especially start developing feelings of isolation and self-hatred. This hatred though isn't just towards themselves, but other homosexuals as well. Because of the notions that are associated with this concept, they begin to fear and hate this identity about themselves as they try to distance themselves from it as much as possible. As a result, they cope or respond in several different ways ranging from athletic and academic performance suffering to engaging in heterosexual dating and sex to deny such feelings and hide their identity from others. Others on the other hand, as mentioned earlier in this paper, focus their attention on high achievement as a way to deflect such thoughts and suspicions away from them as much as possible. Ask our society if they would ever suspect that the star football player, the class valedictorian or the class president was lesbian or gay, they would never even fathom the idea. However, there are those such as Matt Kramer that are not strong enough to cope with such negative perceptions and judgment. The mere thought of happiness in an uncertain future is inconceivable. As a result, these athletes become the suicide statistics that make up our studies.
Those who do survive these difficult times and do accept themselves as they are, end up developing different issues in regards to the relationships that they try to pursue. We start seeing relationships that follow paths similar to what one experienced with Calvin Owens and Michael in “Greek”. Fact of the matter is, the self-hatred and isolation they experienced during their high school years gets carried on to the partner they are trying to build a life with. It is a form of narcissism where they see themselves in that partner, envying them for their comfort and ease and longing for it as well, but also hating them for “being so gay”. To this partner, the relationship may feel like it is a one-way street, that he's doing all the work and may even believe that there's no response from the other party because there's no will. What he fails to understand is that there's no comprehension. The “closed” partner, for lack of a better word, doesn't know how to express these emotions of care and affection because it still feels abnormal to him. It may go as far to say that it just doesn't feel right because of the heteronormative that he was subjected to most his life, where the most important development happens. One closeted engineering student of 21 years of ages speaks of his perception:

"I didn't exactly understand why I felt this way towards him. I knew I was capable of loving him. But to me, it wasn't just being gay. I think even if I was in a straight relationship, I would have been the same. I just grew to be someone who just didn't feel comfortable putting his heart on his sleeve. I just didn't feel the necessity to express every emotion I was feeling in a visible way. This got to him, of course. He wasn't flamboyant but it was definitely possible to tell from his behavior and facial expression what he was feeling. I mean, he has to understand that I am in a frat and in the team. I wouldn't say that this kind of behavior isn't acceptable but it caused discomfort. He hates the fact that I show him a different face depending on who we're with. Sometimes, I don't even introduce him since I don't want people to suspect but at the same time, I'm not even sure what I would introduce him as. I wasn't even comfortable referring to him as just a friend since he wasn't. At the same time, my biggest fear is losing him." (Anonymous. Personal Interview. 2 May 2009).

This particular case was chosen because of his involvement in the male bonding social activities and his being out only to a certain amount of people, his family not included. The irony of a homophobic homosexual isn't as strange as it sounds. To an outsider sheltered by a heterosexist environment, this comes off as either hypocritical, abnormal or what others consider to be a “phase”. Support is minimal as there is a normality associated with such behavior.
Gay. Definition: happily excited; keenly alive and exuberant; having or inducing high spirits; brilliant in color; given to social pleasures. Thanks to stereotypes associated with what a homosexual man is “supposed” to be, these men are able to hide behind that and let the “too gay” ones take the spotlight and the shame that comes along with it. The point is not too flaunt a flamboyance that affirms a certain level of security to society's ignorance, but to provide a better understanding to what this “condition” is, for lack of a better word. Society is known to attribute labels to anything and everything. That way, the illusion of a certain conceived knowledge helps them sleep better at night. Lin Yutang, a Chinese writer once said that “society can only exist on the basis that there is some amount of polished lying and that no one says exactly what he thinks.” The main purpose is diversion and always has been. Politicians, coaches, teachers, mentors, parents and all of those that are expected to be models and idols have that as their main flaw. These are the strongest foundations upon which these societies are built upon.

All In a Day's Work...

Today, I saw a father lose his daughter in the subway station
Today, I saw two men celebrating their 50th anniversary together
Today, I saw a child say "mama" for the first time much to his mother's amazement and joy
Today, I saw a group of dancers stomping the yard
Today, I saw a group of lesbians arguing and fighting
Today, I met two teenagers who made mistakes that prevented them from going to college
Today, I learned one of my classmates had to drop out of school to help support his family financially
Today, I saw a 5-year-old boy do the Harlem shake
Today, a baby did not want to let go of my hands
Today, I was on hold for twenty minutes with Staples
Today, I spent an hour with a senior citizen to find out how many times his heart has been broken by the people he has loved in his lifetime
Today, I spent 20 minutes with a senior citizen who believes he is lucky to have had a wonderful life
Today, I learned from a mother that girly men can actually be aggressive
Today, I helped him put the skeletons in the closet
Today, I realized that his pink shirt made him glow
Today, I finished my imprint for the class model
Today, I found out that republicans from New Jersey do not get along with democrats from Brazil
Today, I walked around the city with a soundtrack that made it that much more alive
Today, I found out how far a smile to a complete stranger can go
Today, I still remember how we used to be...

The Zen of Sarcasm.

In honor of my birthday, I was told to appreciate how it's no coincidence that the number of rules matches up with the number indicating how old I am...well, at least for this year.

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me
alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky
tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10.Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and
a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

AND

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Thanks go to all those who have wished me well for today and many more years to come. A special thanks to brothasoul, my distant support and mentor.

2009...All You Need Is...

17 songs...Something I do every new year's eve is turn on my computer and let iTunes run into the new year. Call me crazy but I feel sometimes that whatever songs play within the first hour of the new year will give me an idea of how the year will run. It's been fairly accurate in past years. So this past new year's eve, the same procedure was carried out. Music has been one of the basic foundation of every event that's ever happened to many of us if we really think about it. Whether it be that pop tune with the repetitive rhymes or the gracious sounds of baroque classical from a Johann Sebastian Bach, these words or these notes will serve a memory that will affect the future decisions we make about such event...like a soundtrack...something we can associate with our lives. That is the beauty of human nature. As simple as some may think memory is, it's not just something you remember. It's the experience that re-defined the course of your destination, positively or negatively. Nietzsche once said that "many a man fails to become a thinker for the sole reason that his memory is too good". So memory would be the foundation for regression, no? We just remember what once happened, therefore we feel that this is the way things will develop again and again, so then we fail to evolve, we remain close-minded and we stay away or we try to bring down what we don't understand. Music may have that same effect on you. Wondering if you should break up with someone when suddenly, James Blunt's "Goodbye My Lover" comes on, is a ridiculous example. Or should you be wondering after several failures if you should keep going regarding an area of study or something of the sort, and then Heather Headley's "Proud" comes on...the lyrics will have that effect on you depending on what you're going through. What you need to decide now is how you interpret those lyrics, should you choose to ignore them or pay attention to them. Dr. Samuel Johnson, an English author from the 18th century once said about music that "it is the only sensual pleasure without vice"...Thinking about my analysis, I would disagree with this statement. The vice is that it being heard by human ears and interpreted by human minds. Then again, it can also be a quality and can drive you to feats we once thought unreachable.
So from 2008 into 2009, the year should go a little bit like this:
Closer by Ne-Yo
As Tears Go By by The Rolling Stones
Feel What I Feel by Kat DeLuna
What's It Feel Like to Be a Ghost? by Taking Back Sunday
Darkness Takes Over by Nicholas Hooper
Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis
Thunder by Nuttin' But Stringz
Rock This Party (Everybody Dance Now) by Bob Sinclar
Outrageous by Britney Spears
Hagrid the Professor John Williams
Bring Me Down by Brandy & Kanye West
Get Together By Madonna
Irreplaceable [Irreemplazable][Mix] by Beyoncé
Simple by Katy Perry
Bebot by Black Eyed Peas
Dead Wrong by The Fray
Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional
Interpretation is all up to you now, friend. I wish you a great and happy new year 2009.

"Music is all around us. All you have to do...is listen"
- August Rush