Folsom Prison
Represa, California
September 5, 1965
Dear ...,
For two charged days and restless nights after you left, I loafed in the case of my skull, feeling prematurely embalmed in some magical ethered mist dispensed by the dialectic of our contact. When I left you sitting in that little glass cage, which I must somehow learn to respect because it has a special, eternal meaning now, I did not stop or pause. Including the door to that glass cage, and counting the door of my cell, I passed through twelve assorted gates and doors before collapsing on my narrow bed, staggering under the weight of the DAY…
On the third day, I arose again from the damned. No, that’s going too far!
What a transfusion! I don’t believe I can stand you in such massive doses. It may prove lethal.
I am almost afraid to return to my manuscripts–which themselves seem to cringe from me–after talking with you. I know I shall remain immobile, transfixed, until I’ve gotten this letter off to you. Then…
I really have no sense of myself and I have always suffered under the compliments of others, especially my friends. I panic. I ran for an office in the Folsom Gavel Club recently. One of my boosters poured lavish praise upon me and my qualifications for the job. I squirmed in my seat and felt oppressed. Does this mean that I do not have the ego for a compliment? No, it does not. It’s hypocritical of me, but whenever someone says something nice about me, it sort of knocks me for a loop. And you? The things you said sent me spinning. But don’t stop, let me suffer–and overcome.
I feel impelled to express myself to you extravagantly, and words, phrases, sentences, paragraphs leap in my mind. But I beat them down, refuse to write them, because it all seems so predictable and trite. I feel humiliated by the words you inspire me to write to you. I refuse to write them. What right have you to summon my soul from its slumber? But it’s all golden and I write this from a sense of the sweetness of irony, the better to marvel at the unbelievable sequence of chance events which brought us face to face is a little glass cage in the office of the Warden of Folsom Prison.
You have tossed me a lifeline. If you only knew how I’d been drowning, how I’d considered that I’d gone down for the third time long ago, how I kept thrashing around in the water simply because I still felt the impulse to fight back and the tug of a distant shore, how I sat in a rage that night with the polysyllabic burden of your name pounding in my brain–... ..., ... ...–and out of what instinct did I decide to write to you? It was a gamble on an equation constructed in delirium, and it was right.
Let me put it this way. I was 22 when I came to prison and of course I have changed tremendously over the years. But I had always had a strong sense of myself and in the last few years, I felt I was losing my identity. There was a deadness in my body that eluded me, as though I could not exactly locate its site. I would be aware of this numbness, this feeling of atrophy, and it haunted the back of my mind. Because of this numb spot, I felt peculiarly off balance, the awareness of something missing, of a blank spot, a certain intimation of emptiness. Now I know what it was. and since encountering you, I feel life strength flowing back into that spot. My step, the tread of my stride, which was becoming tentative and uncertain, has begun to recover and take on a new definiteness, a confidence, a boldness which makes me want to kick over a few tables. I may even swagger a little, and, as I read in a book somewhere, “push myself forward like a train.”
NOW TURN THE RECORD OVER AND PLAY THE OTHER SIDE
I have tried to mislead you. I am not humble at all. I have no humility and I do not fear you in the least. If I pretend to be shy, if I appear to hesitate, it is only a sham to deceive. By playing the humble part, I sucker my fellow men in and seduce them of their trust. And then, if it suits my advantage, I lower the boom–mercilessly. I lied when I stated that I had no sense of myself. I am very well aware of my style. My vanity is as vast as the scope of a dream, my heart is that of a tyrant, my arm is the arm of the Executioner. It is only the failure of my plots that I fear. Whereas in the past we have had Prophets of Doom, in my vanity I wish to be the Voice of Doom itself. I am angry at the insurgents of Watts. They have pulled the covers off me and revealed to all what potential may lie behind my Tom Smile. I had planned to run for President of the United States. My slogan?
PUT A BLACK FINGER ON THE NUCLEAR TRIGGER.
400 years of docility, of being calm, cool and collected under stress and strain would go to prove that I was the man for the job, that I would not panic in a crisis and push the button. I could be counted on to be cool. It was a cinch, I had it made–but then came Watts! All my plans went up in smoke! And so, with worn-out tools, I stoop to begin again.
Please take care of yourself.
Until something happens, I shall remain, because I have no other choice–and even if I had another choice I would still remain–
Most Emphatically Yours,
...
Friday, December 10, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Greener grass...
1:30. 1:31. 1:32. 1:33. 1:33:01. 1:33:02. 1:33:03...What does this sounds like? You know what they say: the more you check the clock, the slower it'll go. Now stop! Get up. Stop staring at the clock. Stop waiting. Even better, stop expecting. Understand the situation as it is and take it easy. Understand what happened and learn from it. Be patient. Understand that these things take time...
1:33:33. 1:33:34. 1:33:35...I thought I told you to get up. Stop looking back. Go on about your life. Speed up the clock. Understand that she gave his all the first time and it failed. Understand that he gave his all the first time and it failed. Understand that they do so much and you abused it. It's not a matter of you don't know what you've got until it's gone. It's a matter of you don't know what you've got until you don't have it anymore. Stop asking. Stop pushing. Stop hurting. When you feel that urge to say something, to force the heart to race at a faster pace, shut up! Uncertainty drives this second try with a much stronger influence. You were both at a certain point where comfort and dependence got you through. There was a sense of security and safety that gave you a sense of certainty. Labels were placed. Expectations were to be met. It was more than a friendship. Now, anniversaries are unsure. Anniversaries are no longer. Your hope for a kiss is so high that when it does happen, it might actually kill you...when it does happen...if it does happen...one word, enough to tie you up emotionally. No longer hearing those three words that used to flow so easily out of your mouths turns you into a cripple. Understand that loving someone means being able to live without them, but not wanting to live without them. Live in the moment. Change for yourself. Don't kill him. Don't kill her. Let him find his faith in you again. Let him have faith again, if not with you but at least for the next one.
This is love.
1:33:33. 1:33:34. 1:33:35...I thought I told you to get up. Stop looking back. Go on about your life. Speed up the clock. Understand that she gave his all the first time and it failed. Understand that he gave his all the first time and it failed. Understand that they do so much and you abused it. It's not a matter of you don't know what you've got until it's gone. It's a matter of you don't know what you've got until you don't have it anymore. Stop asking. Stop pushing. Stop hurting. When you feel that urge to say something, to force the heart to race at a faster pace, shut up! Uncertainty drives this second try with a much stronger influence. You were both at a certain point where comfort and dependence got you through. There was a sense of security and safety that gave you a sense of certainty. Labels were placed. Expectations were to be met. It was more than a friendship. Now, anniversaries are unsure. Anniversaries are no longer. Your hope for a kiss is so high that when it does happen, it might actually kill you...when it does happen...if it does happen...one word, enough to tie you up emotionally. No longer hearing those three words that used to flow so easily out of your mouths turns you into a cripple. Understand that loving someone means being able to live without them, but not wanting to live without them. Live in the moment. Change for yourself. Don't kill him. Don't kill her. Let him find his faith in you again. Let him have faith again, if not with you but at least for the next one.
This is love.
Friday, July 23, 2010
A Letter...a year ago...
Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us.
I can live only wholly with you or not at all.
Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits.
Yes, unhappily it must be so.
You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never.
Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life.
Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men.
At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once.
Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together.
Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh, continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
Ever thine.
Ever mine.
Ever ours .
I can live only wholly with you or not at all.
Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits.
Yes, unhappily it must be so.
You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never.
Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life.
Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men.
At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once.
Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together.
Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh, continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
Ever thine.
Ever mine.
Ever ours .
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
War and Peace.
You want peace. It can be safely assumed that there is no one who does not want peace. Yet there is something else in you that wants the drama, that wants the conflict. You may not be able to feel it at this moment. You may have to wait for a situation or even just a thought that triggers a reaction in you: someone accusing you of this or that, not acknowledging you, encroaching on your territory, questioning the way you do things, an argument about money...Can you then feel the enormous surge of force moving through you, the fear, perhaps being masked by anger or hostility? Can you hear your own voice becoming harsh and shrill, or louder and a few octaves lower? Can you be aware of your mind racing to defend its position, justify, attack, blame? In other words, can you awaken that moment of unconsciousness? Can you feel that there is something in you that is at war, something that feels threatened and wants to survive at all cost, that needs the drama in order to assert its identity as the victorious character within that theatrical production? Can you feel there is something in you that would rather be right than at peace?
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Being Right. Making Wrong.
Complaining as well as faultfinding and reactivity strengthen the ego's sense of boundary and separateness on which its survival depends. But they also strengthen the ego in another way by giving it a feeling of superiority on which it thrives. It may not be immediately apparent how complaining, say, about a traffic jam, about politicians, about the "greedy wealthy" or the "lazy unemployed", or your colleagues or ex-spouse, men or women, can give you a sense of superiority. Here is why: when you complain, by implication, you are right and the person or situation you complain about or react against, is wrong.
There is nothing that strengthens the ego more than being right. Being right is identification with a mental position - a perspective, an opinion, a judgment, a story. For you to be right, of course, you need someone else to be wrong, and so the ego loves to make wrong in order to be right. In other words, you need to make others wrong to get a stronger sense of who you are. Not only a person, but also a situation can be made through complaining and reactivity, which always implies that "this should not be happening". Being right places you in a position of imagined moral superiority in relation to the person or situation that is being judged and found wanting. It is that sense of superiority the ego craves and through which it enhances itself.
Facts undoubtedly exist. If you say: "Light travels faster than sound," and someone else says the opposite is the case, you are obviously right, and he is wrong. The simple observation that lightning precedes thunder could confirm this. So not only are you right, you know you are right. Is there any ego involved in this? Possibly, but not necessarily. If you are simply stating what you know to be true, the ego is not involved at all, because there is no identification. Identification with what? With mind and a mental position. Such identification, however, can easily creep in. If you find yourself saying, "Believe me, I know" or "Why do you never believe me?", then the ego has already crept in. It is hiding in the little word "me". A simple statement: "Light is faster than sound," although true, is now in the service of illusion, of ego. It has become contaminated with a false sense of "I"; it has become personalized, turned into a mental position. The "I" feels diminished or offended because somebody doesn't believe what "I" said.
Ego takes everything personally. Emotion arises, defensiveness, perhaps even aggression. Are you defending the truth? No, the truth, in any case, needs no defense. The light or sound does not care about you or anybody else thinks. You are defending yourself, or rather the illusion of yourself, the mind-made substitute. It would be even more accurate to say that the illusion is defending itself. If even the simple and straightforward realm of facts can lend itself to egoic distortion and illusion, how much more so the less tangible realm of opinions, viewpoints, and judgments, all of them thought forms that can easily become infused with a sense of "I".
Every ego confuses opinions and viewpoints with facts. Furthermore, it cannot tell the difference between an event and its reaction to that event. Every ego is a master of selective perception and distorted interpretation. Only through awareness - not through thinking - can you differentiate between fact and opinion. Only through awareness are you able to see: there is the situation and here is the anger I feel about it, and then realize there are other ways of approaching the situation, other ways of seeing it and dealing with it. Only through awareness can you see the totality of the situation or person instead of adopting one limited perspective.
There is nothing that strengthens the ego more than being right. Being right is identification with a mental position - a perspective, an opinion, a judgment, a story. For you to be right, of course, you need someone else to be wrong, and so the ego loves to make wrong in order to be right. In other words, you need to make others wrong to get a stronger sense of who you are. Not only a person, but also a situation can be made through complaining and reactivity, which always implies that "this should not be happening". Being right places you in a position of imagined moral superiority in relation to the person or situation that is being judged and found wanting. It is that sense of superiority the ego craves and through which it enhances itself.
Facts undoubtedly exist. If you say: "Light travels faster than sound," and someone else says the opposite is the case, you are obviously right, and he is wrong. The simple observation that lightning precedes thunder could confirm this. So not only are you right, you know you are right. Is there any ego involved in this? Possibly, but not necessarily. If you are simply stating what you know to be true, the ego is not involved at all, because there is no identification. Identification with what? With mind and a mental position. Such identification, however, can easily creep in. If you find yourself saying, "Believe me, I know" or "Why do you never believe me?", then the ego has already crept in. It is hiding in the little word "me". A simple statement: "Light is faster than sound," although true, is now in the service of illusion, of ego. It has become contaminated with a false sense of "I"; it has become personalized, turned into a mental position. The "I" feels diminished or offended because somebody doesn't believe what "I" said.
Ego takes everything personally. Emotion arises, defensiveness, perhaps even aggression. Are you defending the truth? No, the truth, in any case, needs no defense. The light or sound does not care about you or anybody else thinks. You are defending yourself, or rather the illusion of yourself, the mind-made substitute. It would be even more accurate to say that the illusion is defending itself. If even the simple and straightforward realm of facts can lend itself to egoic distortion and illusion, how much more so the less tangible realm of opinions, viewpoints, and judgments, all of them thought forms that can easily become infused with a sense of "I".
Every ego confuses opinions and viewpoints with facts. Furthermore, it cannot tell the difference between an event and its reaction to that event. Every ego is a master of selective perception and distorted interpretation. Only through awareness - not through thinking - can you differentiate between fact and opinion. Only through awareness are you able to see: there is the situation and here is the anger I feel about it, and then realize there are other ways of approaching the situation, other ways of seeing it and dealing with it. Only through awareness can you see the totality of the situation or person instead of adopting one limited perspective.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Espoir.
Baker, Baker
Baking a cake
Make me a day
Make me whole again
And I wonder
What's in a day?
What's in you cake this time?
I guess you heard
He's gone to LA
He says that beihnd my eyes I'm hiding
And he tells me I pushed him away
That my heart's been hard to find.
Here, there must be something
Here, there must be something.
Here, here...
Baker Baker can you explain
If truly his heart
Was made of icing
And I wonder
How mine could taste
Maybe we could change his mind.
I know you're late
For your next parade
You came to make sure
That I'm not running
Well I ran from him
In all kinds of ways
Guess it was his turn this time
Time thought I'd made friends with time
Thought we'd be flying
Maybe not this time
Baker Baker
Baking a cake
Make me a day
Make me whole again
And I wonder
If he's mkay
If you see him say hi.
Baking a cake
Make me a day
Make me whole again
And I wonder
What's in a day?
What's in you cake this time?
I guess you heard
He's gone to LA
He says that beihnd my eyes I'm hiding
And he tells me I pushed him away
That my heart's been hard to find.
Here, there must be something
Here, there must be something.
Here, here...
Baker Baker can you explain
If truly his heart
Was made of icing
And I wonder
How mine could taste
Maybe we could change his mind.
I know you're late
For your next parade
You came to make sure
That I'm not running
Well I ran from him
In all kinds of ways
Guess it was his turn this time
Time thought I'd made friends with time
Thought we'd be flying
Maybe not this time
Baker Baker
Baking a cake
Make me a day
Make me whole again
And I wonder
If he's mkay
If you see him say hi.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Symphony.
Everybody sees it's you
I'm the one that lost the view
Everybody says we're through
I hope you haven't said it too.
So where do we go from here
With all this fear in our eyes
And where can love take us now
We've been so far down
We can still touch the sky.
Why did I change the pace
Hearts were never meant to race
I always felt the need for space
But now I can't reach your face
So where are you standing now?
Are you in the crowd of my faults?
Love, can you see my hand?
I need one more chance
We can still have it all.
If we crawl
Till we can walk again
Then we'll run
Until we're strong enough to jump
Then we'll fly
Until there is no end
So let's crawl.
Back to love.
Everybody see's it's you
Well, I never wanna lose that view.
Back to love.
I'm the one that lost the view
Everybody says we're through
I hope you haven't said it too.
So where do we go from here
With all this fear in our eyes
And where can love take us now
We've been so far down
We can still touch the sky.
Why did I change the pace
Hearts were never meant to race
I always felt the need for space
But now I can't reach your face
So where are you standing now?
Are you in the crowd of my faults?
Love, can you see my hand?
I need one more chance
We can still have it all.
If we crawl
Till we can walk again
Then we'll run
Until we're strong enough to jump
Then we'll fly
Until there is no end
So let's crawl.
Back to love.
Everybody see's it's you
Well, I never wanna lose that view.
Back to love.
Friday, June 18, 2010
In The End...
You don't know what you've got until it's gone...There are about 151,000 songs out there that preach this, and this is only in English. Yet how come it refuses to register within our mindset? As a follow-up to my previous entry, "For Reasons Known", this is a continuing analysis of the human mindset when it comes to relationships. Whether it's because of how we were raised or how the perfect relationship is perceived in the next Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan romantic comedy (sorry, I'm old school), all of us have these expectations of what and how relationships are supposed to be, the steps they are supposed to follow, at what point one is supposed to be after this many years. It's logical. As professionals, we can try to argue both sides of the case but when it comes to human emotions, this is impossible. Math doesn't work. If it did, so much would be understood as to why we love or why many of us tend to be attracted to the same type of people. As I've heard once on "This American Life" on Chicago Public Radio, sure there is someone out there for everyone. Good luck with that because they might speak Chinese.
Overtime, relationships have evolved and gotten so complicated. Now that it is becoming clearer than before that gay relationships do exist and do thrive, psychologists have had a lot more on their plate now. When it comes to gay relationships, we deal with something that straight couples don't deal with and that is the closet case. Because of what society believes a man is supposed to be, there are expectations to be met. "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" should be enough of a clue. It's a non-sensical policy. The same applies to sports. Men have a certain camaraderie where there is a level of comfort and displays of affection that they can safely apply to each other without the risk that there is a hidden meaning behind it, that might cause discomfort...well, at least, on the surface. Add a gay man into this mix and for them to know that this man is gay would shatter that world for them. It's heterosexual security. It keeps them sane. It helps them cope with the old ball and chain back home. What's even worse is finding gay men who act in this manner. Ever heard a gay man say about another that he doesn't understand why he has to be such a faggot? Society has created conflicts within every spectrum. People have become outcasts amongst outcasts. There will always be high-fives, misogynistic comments, beer and sports. And no one will notice the closet case, sitting alone in the back, afraid and hurting because of what he is forced to show on the outside until they found him dead in his room, overdosed. His only comfort was that he was in his room, alone, away from the judgment.
Pushing this further into African-American communities, it becomes even more complicated. African-American families have dealt with problems on all ends when it comes to keeping families together. A man is the leader of the family. He is expected to keep everything together. With tradition, the woman looks up to him. He is her rock. She depends on him. This is how he was raised. The Jehovah's Witnesses who come knocking kn your door on Saturday mornings take this quite drastically. They've become maniacal with every aspect so much that celebrating your own son's or daughter's birthday is looked down upon by the "community". As a developing young man in such a community, the feelings they may feel towards another young man are suppressed with again, the expectation that they will fade away. But what ends up happening is misery and loneliness, where the family that they have constructed and worked so hard on never really develops emotionally within them. What ends up happening is their trips to other parts of town to have illicit sex with other men. This will obviously be seen as animalistic, their irony of human nature. But these men are so troubled that they can never really be in a relationship with a man or a woman. The ones that have started families though are the ones that are hurt the most. Not only are they hurt but the family is completely destroyed, with the poor children hanging in the balance, either too young to understand what's going on or too fragile to witness their support system completely fall apart over time. All of this because of ignorance, stubbornness and close-mindedness. Misunderstanding brings violent distrust.
With this in mind, where does that put those of us who have come to grips with who we are? We become stubborn, selfish and pushy. We've literally become bullies to people who want to love us because we expect them to do the same as us. We're out of the closet so why can't they do it? Even if we know it'll be harder for them, we still push and push and push. Some of us who are out just know for a fact that we could never go out with someone else who is in the closet because of the double-face, being introduced sometimes as a friend, sometimes not at all. We feel hurt and unappreciated. We feel that this person that you love so much is embarassed to be seen with you because he is a man and there are rules to follow. We fail to realize that all that person needed was for us to help them, to not show them the same judgment and criticism that forces them in the closet in the first place. They feel that as a gay man yourself, you would understand where he is coming from. But we make it that much harder for him because you are an outcast just as he is, so to be rejected by that community as well is that much harder. We never realized he was caring, honest, understanding and we threw it all away just for the sake of holding his hand in public or just being kissed in public. Relationships are so much more than that. This is a plea for understanding and acceptance. We have too many problems in this community already. Let's not make it worse. It is unfortunate that we will most likely realize this when the love he used to feel for you is just not there anymore. You think back of how he used to say you would be the perfect boyfriend, of how it made his day to see his favorite person in the world, of the names you used to have for each other...None of is there anymore.
You've lost the battle.
Overtime, relationships have evolved and gotten so complicated. Now that it is becoming clearer than before that gay relationships do exist and do thrive, psychologists have had a lot more on their plate now. When it comes to gay relationships, we deal with something that straight couples don't deal with and that is the closet case. Because of what society believes a man is supposed to be, there are expectations to be met. "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" should be enough of a clue. It's a non-sensical policy. The same applies to sports. Men have a certain camaraderie where there is a level of comfort and displays of affection that they can safely apply to each other without the risk that there is a hidden meaning behind it, that might cause discomfort...well, at least, on the surface. Add a gay man into this mix and for them to know that this man is gay would shatter that world for them. It's heterosexual security. It keeps them sane. It helps them cope with the old ball and chain back home. What's even worse is finding gay men who act in this manner. Ever heard a gay man say about another that he doesn't understand why he has to be such a faggot? Society has created conflicts within every spectrum. People have become outcasts amongst outcasts. There will always be high-fives, misogynistic comments, beer and sports. And no one will notice the closet case, sitting alone in the back, afraid and hurting because of what he is forced to show on the outside until they found him dead in his room, overdosed. His only comfort was that he was in his room, alone, away from the judgment.
Pushing this further into African-American communities, it becomes even more complicated. African-American families have dealt with problems on all ends when it comes to keeping families together. A man is the leader of the family. He is expected to keep everything together. With tradition, the woman looks up to him. He is her rock. She depends on him. This is how he was raised. The Jehovah's Witnesses who come knocking kn your door on Saturday mornings take this quite drastically. They've become maniacal with every aspect so much that celebrating your own son's or daughter's birthday is looked down upon by the "community". As a developing young man in such a community, the feelings they may feel towards another young man are suppressed with again, the expectation that they will fade away. But what ends up happening is misery and loneliness, where the family that they have constructed and worked so hard on never really develops emotionally within them. What ends up happening is their trips to other parts of town to have illicit sex with other men. This will obviously be seen as animalistic, their irony of human nature. But these men are so troubled that they can never really be in a relationship with a man or a woman. The ones that have started families though are the ones that are hurt the most. Not only are they hurt but the family is completely destroyed, with the poor children hanging in the balance, either too young to understand what's going on or too fragile to witness their support system completely fall apart over time. All of this because of ignorance, stubbornness and close-mindedness. Misunderstanding brings violent distrust.
With this in mind, where does that put those of us who have come to grips with who we are? We become stubborn, selfish and pushy. We've literally become bullies to people who want to love us because we expect them to do the same as us. We're out of the closet so why can't they do it? Even if we know it'll be harder for them, we still push and push and push. Some of us who are out just know for a fact that we could never go out with someone else who is in the closet because of the double-face, being introduced sometimes as a friend, sometimes not at all. We feel hurt and unappreciated. We feel that this person that you love so much is embarassed to be seen with you because he is a man and there are rules to follow. We fail to realize that all that person needed was for us to help them, to not show them the same judgment and criticism that forces them in the closet in the first place. They feel that as a gay man yourself, you would understand where he is coming from. But we make it that much harder for him because you are an outcast just as he is, so to be rejected by that community as well is that much harder. We never realized he was caring, honest, understanding and we threw it all away just for the sake of holding his hand in public or just being kissed in public. Relationships are so much more than that. This is a plea for understanding and acceptance. We have too many problems in this community already. Let's not make it worse. It is unfortunate that we will most likely realize this when the love he used to feel for you is just not there anymore. You think back of how he used to say you would be the perfect boyfriend, of how it made his day to see his favorite person in the world, of the names you used to have for each other...None of is there anymore.
You've lost the battle.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
For Reasons Known.
I pack my case. I check my face.
I look a little bit older.
I look a little bit colder.
With one deep breath, and one big step, I move a little bit closer.
I move a little bit closer.
I caught my stride.
I flew and flied.
I know if destiny kind, Ive got the rest of my mind.
But my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to.
And my eyes, they don't see you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don't recognize you no more.
There was an open chair.
We sat down in the open chair.
I said if destiny kind, Ive got the rest of my mind.
But my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to.
And my eyes, they don't see you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don't recognize you at all.
I said my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to and my eyes don't recognize you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don't recognize you no more.
Look back two months ago...
I look a little bit older.
I look a little bit colder.
With one deep breath, and one big step, I move a little bit closer.
I move a little bit closer.
I caught my stride.
I flew and flied.
I know if destiny kind, Ive got the rest of my mind.
But my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to.
And my eyes, they don't see you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don't recognize you no more.
There was an open chair.
We sat down in the open chair.
I said if destiny kind, Ive got the rest of my mind.
But my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to.
And my eyes, they don't see you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don't recognize you at all.
I said my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to and my eyes don't recognize you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to, and my eyes don't recognize you no more.
Look back two months ago...
Monday, June 07, 2010
Glee!
Landlords knocking at my door cussing me out
Got laid off my job the night before
Can’t figure how
I’m gonna fix tomorrow away
If today’s still a mess
Can you tell me what’s the point, man?
It all seems meaningless
I wish that I could step away and breathe
This world’s trying to swallow me
Clear away the clouds inside my head
Someone just tell me
That it’s mkay now
What are you worried about?
Got my dreams, got my life, got my love
Got my friends, got the sunshine above.
Why am I making this hard on myself
When there’s so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy?
People lie, people hide, people cry, people fight.
And they don’t know why
If fear is all that we should fear
Then what are we so afraid of?
Cause fear is only in our heads
Someone please say...
Any day I'll go bad thinking bad
Everyone is against me and the world wants to fight me
Preparing to battle an enemy unseen
During my stressing, I’m blinded to the lesson
That could be a blessing if I'd been confessing that the enemy
I’m trying to beat is hiding inside of me.
But it’s mkay now...what are you worrying about?...
Keep your grind on, bub...it’s your love, it’s your world...
Got laid off my job the night before
Can’t figure how
I’m gonna fix tomorrow away
If today’s still a mess
Can you tell me what’s the point, man?
It all seems meaningless
I wish that I could step away and breathe
This world’s trying to swallow me
Clear away the clouds inside my head
Someone just tell me
That it’s mkay now
What are you worried about?
Got my dreams, got my life, got my love
Got my friends, got the sunshine above.
Why am I making this hard on myself
When there’s so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy?
People lie, people hide, people cry, people fight.
And they don’t know why
If fear is all that we should fear
Then what are we so afraid of?
Cause fear is only in our heads
Someone please say...
Any day I'll go bad thinking bad
Everyone is against me and the world wants to fight me
Preparing to battle an enemy unseen
During my stressing, I’m blinded to the lesson
That could be a blessing if I'd been confessing that the enemy
I’m trying to beat is hiding inside of me.
But it’s mkay now...what are you worrying about?...
Keep your grind on, bub...it’s your love, it’s your world...
Saturday, June 05, 2010
He Said...She Said...
Back when our parents were growing up, relationships tended to be a 1 + 1 = 2 equation, which eventually amounted to 2 becomes 1. It was much more simpler then. Whatever needed to be said was said. Not only was it said, but it was said honestly with the kind of emotion that both parties could tell one from the other. Body language and facial expressions told so much more than the words that came out of people's mouths. Back then, it came as a supplement. Nowadays, relationships are defined more as this: (x+3)(x+2), which for those who haven't taken algebra, amounts to 0. So many variables come into factor that eventually, like a Blackberry or an iPhone or texting or MySpace or any form of messaging technoloy that what you wind up with is a flatline, right along the x-axis. Listening to my grandparents, back when both were still alive, how they resolved their problems was through talking with each other, sitting down together, holding each other's hand, with each other's best interest at heart to try and work it out. Granted that these were subjective arguments and that sometimes it is best to ask for an objective point of view to the situation, that way, you have an idea of an impartial state of mind. But how black and white is impartial exactly? In modern times, both parties agree to a certain commitment, to work things out, to give it their best shot after years together. But both ends have hurt each other so much, that they completely forgot how to meet in the middle on their own, with just each other. As a result, they start relying on friends and family for advice as to where exactly they should go with what they're trying to fix. But how much can someone on the outside really see or know what's going on between two people who are trying to build a life together? The human mind tends to distort events after a certain time, usually after that person wants certain events to go a certain way. So when they are relayed to this third party, it is no longer what actually happened. This impartial perspective that one tries to pursue tends to be riddled with so many facets of selfishness that one never realizes when it actually ends or begins. We hear comments like "I honestly can't see you two together", or "I think you should take time on your own", and "He is not the right person for you", or "I think you two need some time apart to figure things out", all of which I'm sure many of us are familiar with. But think about this for a second: why is it you tend to talk about your relationship with others only when it's rocky? Why is it you can never want to gossip about the calm seas and the bike rides and the silly little things that made you two happy, that made you two last so long before asking for what you may assume to be advice? In general, people are selfish and this is a fact. As good as they try to be, they always their own interest at heart. But two people that truly love each other, isn't it safe to assume that what made you happy together in the first place is that you had and still have each other's best interest at heart before asking for a third party's opinion? And why is that most of the time, that third party is either single, having trouble with their own relationships, always has a problem with one of the partners or has a trouble committing?
St. Augstine once said: "Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
Tell this to yourself: if it's taking a long time for you to figure what exactly you want with that person or if you want to be with him, then you probably shouldn't be with them. This applies to everything in life. If your heart is fighting against your mind to figure what to do, what decision to make about someone or something, then the decision has already been made. It's just time for you to accept it, whether it's good or bad, because much to your disadvantage and misfortune, it will lean towards the bad.
St. Augstine once said: "Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
Tell this to yourself: if it's taking a long time for you to figure what exactly you want with that person or if you want to be with him, then you probably shouldn't be with them. This applies to everything in life. If your heart is fighting against your mind to figure what to do, what decision to make about someone or something, then the decision has already been made. It's just time for you to accept it, whether it's good or bad, because much to your disadvantage and misfortune, it will lean towards the bad.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Fateful Night, Hopeful Morning.
Narrow daylight entered my room
Shining hours were brief
Winter is over
Summer is near
Are we stronger than we believe?
I walked through halls of reputation
Among the infamous too
As the camera clings to the common thread
Beyond all vanity
Into a gaze to shoot you through
Is the kindness we count upon
Hidden in everyone?
I stepped out in a sunlit groove
Although deep down I wished it would rain
Washing away all the sadness and tears
That will never fall so heavily again
Is the kindness we count upon
Hidden in everyone
I stood there in the salt spray air
Felt the wind sweeping over my face
Ran up through the rocks to the old
wooden cross
It's a place where I can find some peace
Narrow daylight entered my room
Shining hours were brief
Winter is over
Summer is near
Are we stronger than we believe?
Shining hours were brief
Winter is over
Summer is near
Are we stronger than we believe?
I walked through halls of reputation
Among the infamous too
As the camera clings to the common thread
Beyond all vanity
Into a gaze to shoot you through
Is the kindness we count upon
Hidden in everyone?
I stepped out in a sunlit groove
Although deep down I wished it would rain
Washing away all the sadness and tears
That will never fall so heavily again
Is the kindness we count upon
Hidden in everyone
I stood there in the salt spray air
Felt the wind sweeping over my face
Ran up through the rocks to the old
wooden cross
It's a place where I can find some peace
Narrow daylight entered my room
Shining hours were brief
Winter is over
Summer is near
Are we stronger than we believe?
Monday, May 17, 2010
Bad Reputation.
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit lonely
and you're never coming around
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit tired
of listening to the sound of my tears
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit nervous
that the best of all the years have gone by
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit terrified
and then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn around bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn around)
Every now and then I get a little
bit restless and i dream of something wild
(Turn around)
Every now and then I get a little bit
helpless and I'm lying like a child in your arms
(Turn around)
Every now and then I get a little bit angry
and I know I have to get out and cry
(Turn around)
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified
but then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn around bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
Turn around, bright eyes
Turn around, bright eyes
Turn around, every now and then I know
you'll never be the boy you always wanted to be
Turn around, every now and then I know
you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am
Turn around, every now and then I know
there's no one in the universe as magical and wondrous as you
Turn around, every now and then I know
there's nothing any better and there's nothing I just wouldn't do
Turn around bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart
Turn around bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart
And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
Nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
P.S.: I just want you to look at me the way you used to.
Every now and then
I get a little bit lonely
and you're never coming around
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit tired
of listening to the sound of my tears
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit nervous
that the best of all the years have gone by
(Turn around)
Every now and then
I get a little bit terrified
and then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn around bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn around)
Every now and then I get a little
bit restless and i dream of something wild
(Turn around)
Every now and then I get a little bit
helpless and I'm lying like a child in your arms
(Turn around)
Every now and then I get a little bit angry
and I know I have to get out and cry
(Turn around)
Every now and then I get a little bit terrified
but then I see the look in your eyes
(Turn around, bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
(Turn around bright eyes)
Every now and then I fall apart
And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
Turn around, bright eyes
Turn around, bright eyes
Turn around, every now and then I know
you'll never be the boy you always wanted to be
Turn around, every now and then I know
you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am
Turn around, every now and then I know
there's no one in the universe as magical and wondrous as you
Turn around, every now and then I know
there's nothing any better and there's nothing I just wouldn't do
Turn around bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart
Turn around bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart
And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
Nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
P.S.: I just want you to look at me the way you used to.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
La morale de l'âne.
Un jour, l'âne d'un fermier est tombé dans un puits. L'animal gémissait pitoyablement pendant des heures et le fermier se demandait quoi faire.
Finalement, il a décidé que l'animal était vieux et le puits devait disparaître de toute façon, ce n'était pas rentable pour lui de récupérer l'âne.
Il a invité tous ses voisins à venir et à l'aider. Ils ont tous saisi une pelle et ont commencé à enterrer le puits.
Au début, l'âne a réalisé ce qui se produisait et se mit à crier terriblement. Puis, à la stupéfaction de chacun, il s'est tu. Quelques pelletées plus tard, le fermier a finalement regardé dans le fond du puits et a été étonné de ce qu'il a vu.
Avec chaque pelletée de terre qui tombait sur lui, l'âne faisait quelque chose de stupéfiant. Il se secouait pour enlever la terre de son dos et montait dessus. Pendant que les voisins du fermier continuaient à pelleter sur l'animal, il se secouait et montait dessus. Bientôt, chacun a été stupéfié que l'âne soit hors du puits et se mit à trotter!
La vie va essayer de t'engloutir de toutes sortes d'ordures. Le truc pour se sortir du trou est de se secouer pour avancer. Chacun de tes ennuis est une pierre qui permet de progresser. Nous pouvons sortir des puits les plus profonds
en n'arrêtant jamais...
Il ne faut jamais abandonner! Secoue-toi et fonce!
Rappelle-toi, les cinq règles simples! Pour être heureux:
1. Libère ton coeur de la haine.
2. Libère ton esprit des inquiétudes.
3. Vis simplement.
4. Donne plus.
5. Attends moins.
Finalement, il a décidé que l'animal était vieux et le puits devait disparaître de toute façon, ce n'était pas rentable pour lui de récupérer l'âne.
Il a invité tous ses voisins à venir et à l'aider. Ils ont tous saisi une pelle et ont commencé à enterrer le puits.
Au début, l'âne a réalisé ce qui se produisait et se mit à crier terriblement. Puis, à la stupéfaction de chacun, il s'est tu. Quelques pelletées plus tard, le fermier a finalement regardé dans le fond du puits et a été étonné de ce qu'il a vu.
Avec chaque pelletée de terre qui tombait sur lui, l'âne faisait quelque chose de stupéfiant. Il se secouait pour enlever la terre de son dos et montait dessus. Pendant que les voisins du fermier continuaient à pelleter sur l'animal, il se secouait et montait dessus. Bientôt, chacun a été stupéfié que l'âne soit hors du puits et se mit à trotter!
La vie va essayer de t'engloutir de toutes sortes d'ordures. Le truc pour se sortir du trou est de se secouer pour avancer. Chacun de tes ennuis est une pierre qui permet de progresser. Nous pouvons sortir des puits les plus profonds
en n'arrêtant jamais...
Il ne faut jamais abandonner! Secoue-toi et fonce!
Rappelle-toi, les cinq règles simples! Pour être heureux:
1. Libère ton coeur de la haine.
2. Libère ton esprit des inquiétudes.
3. Vis simplement.
4. Donne plus.
5. Attends moins.
Insult of the day.
First of all, sincere apologies about the hiatus.
Now,
"She projects the passion of a Good Humor ice cream: frozen, on a stick and all vanilla." - Spencer Tracy on Nancy Davis (later Nancy Reagan).
Now,
"She projects the passion of a Good Humor ice cream: frozen, on a stick and all vanilla." - Spencer Tracy on Nancy Davis (later Nancy Reagan).
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Insult of the day.
"He writes his plays for the ages - the ages between five and twelve." - George Nathan, on George Bernard Shaw.
Monday, March 08, 2010
Sunday, March 07, 2010
Insult of the day.
"I've been called worse things by better men." - Pierre Trudeau's response to learning that Richard Nixon called him an asshole.
Saturday, March 06, 2010
Friday, March 05, 2010
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
Insult of the Day.
Joe Frazier: "He's phony, using his blackness to get his way."
Muhammad Ali: "Joe Frazier is so ugly he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wildlife."
Muhammad Ali: "Joe Frazier is so ugly he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wildlife."
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Insult of the Day.
Nancy Astor: "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."
Winston Churchill: "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
Winston Churchill: "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
Monday, March 01, 2010
Insult of the Day.
Bessie Braddock: "Mr. Churchill, you are drunk!"
Winston Churchill: "Yes, madam, and you are ugly. But in the morning, I will be sober."
Winston Churchill: "Yes, madam, and you are ugly. But in the morning, I will be sober."
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Insult of the Day.
Lord Sandwich: "Really, Mr. Wilkes, I don't know whether you'll die on the gallows or of the pox."
John Wilkes: "That will depend, my lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
John Wilkes: "That will depend, my lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Insult of the Day.
Henry Clay: "I would rather be right than president."
Congressman Reed: "He doesn't have to worry. He'll never be either."
Congressman Reed: "He doesn't have to worry. He'll never be either."
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