Remember, Remember, the 30th of June. The Gunpowder, Treason, and Plot?

[reporting from Haiti]

The 30th of June, in the year of 2000, at 9:45 PM is when my new life began, a life that would be hard for me to fit into, a life which, six years later hasn’t progressed much domestically. From the moment I stepped out of the plane, watching the tall buildings, reflecting a completely different life than what I had been accustomed to for the previous 13 years, I had a knot in my throat. For six years, my attitude was changing completely. For six years, my personality was changing completely. For six years …for six years…for six years, absolutely nothing changed. Those wheels haven’t turned. Everything just kept going downhill every year that passed by with absolutely no hope at hand. On the 29th of June, I felt betrayed by the same people that I held so dear…and angry…and terribly sad that this is going to be the end of that life and I have to move on. That’s part of growing up, right? Moving on, forgetting the past to improve the present, that is already the future? The future is now, they say. Why the hell do we have to move so fast? Why is it we can’t slow down and enjoy the simple moments of our short life on this planet, before we make another mistake and ruin everything?
Six years: January 1st, 2006. A New Year begins, yet the same shit remains. And then, he came along. A simple message over the internet: just a few lines but with so much hope in it. Finally, something new, something to smile about, and something to forget the sorrows that came with the new life. Yet even as I found new love, something still pains me. Something is still missing. The family that I need to grow mentally with is missing. The country that I am attached to is missing. I may find happiness in New York, but I will never be satisfied. Everyone moves so fast, no one stops to think about what that friend may be really talking about, no one cares about anything, yet it’s seen internationally as one of the most advanced countries on the planet. So this is the price to pay for progress, eh? All money and absolutely no humanity? I know this sounds cliché but it was interesting for me to watch it on movies and criticizing how these people are going to self-destruct. But to actually live it? Overnight, my setting completely changed, from one extreme to the other, on the opposite of the mainstream. How can anyone survive this kind of a change and not suffer some kind of damage, whether it is in the way they act, the way they think, the way they view their surroundings…their attitude with their immediate family. I push my little brother away; I fight with my mother weekly, going on daily in the last month to the point that our relationship has officially hit rock-bottom. I look back to see if any of this could have changed. I look back to see if any tears could have been prevented. I look back to see if any words could have been taken back. I look back to see if any pain could have been undone. I look back…I look back and all I see is the same thing: all roads lead to Haiti. I’ve realized that it’s actually possible to continue a life here if I came back and stayed here permanently like before. I came back this summer and it’s as if my story just continued, with just a few gaps, but still logical. New York then would have been just a long halftime.
But as much as I hate the New York life, something still attracts me back to it. Whether it is my friends from Hunter College, my boyfriend or the bohemian life in the village, I don’t know which. It could be one of those, or all of them. But one thing is for sure: with the right spices, lawn in a bowl can be orgasmic for one’s mouth.