Norman Mailer, an American author circa 1923, once said that “there is probably no sensitive heterosexual alive who is not preoccupied with his latent homosexuality”. At that time, the stereotypical homosexual was white and effeminate. Nowadays, it is known that it is not as exclusive as it seemed to be. The topic of this research paper will revolve around emotional restraint in homosexual men. The factors that will be taken into consideration will surround race, place of birth but mostly the environment one was raised in, where social and political setting will be taken into consideration. Gay men are stereotypically perceived in our society as the “girly men”, the men that get along with the girls, the ones that sit down over coffee to talk about their feelings, about what bothers them, just to name a few of the many attributes associated with them. But what society fails to take the time to realize, is that these men can be the most emotionally troubled men in this setting. Depression, insecurity, low self-esteem are just a few of many things that affect who they are. This paper will analyze and attempt at coming with a certain understanding of what brings this development.
It includes a wider age range and different ethnicities. Now, the stereotypes are redefined with a certain criteria in mind revolving around ethnicity, culture, city and sex. The difference between the response towards gay black men and gay white men is quite interesting to the point that there are now levels of discrimination. Being gay means you are a pervert, a child molester, a sex fiend impossible to love, a sinner. Thus are the foundations of our society that has managed to turn these previously conceived people as beacons of flamboyance and lively moods into complicated, closed boxes that are impossible to figure out how to open, slowly imploding within themselves. Homosexuals had become the most tragic irony of modern social times.
One may found people who can have African-American friends and spouses but when it comes to starting any form of relationship with homosexual black men or women, red flags are raised. Statistics show that African-American families occupy a higher percentage when it comes to rejecting the mere mention of homosexuality in their household (Sears, 1991). Because of a violent history, this culture has developed over the years around family and religion as their stronghold, both of which reject homosexuality in its own way. For the Chinese family, the word doesn't even exist in mandarin Chinese so coming out proves to be a different type of difficulty for the youngster trying to achieve this step. Ultimately though, with every family that rejects this, it comes down to pride: the family name, the expectations of a man, family values and the list goes on. Once you throw in a gay man in this mix, that balance is off. That certainty and assurance is no longer secure. Thus, the concept of the “endangered black male” is introduced. Sociologist Robert Staples states:
“The basis of a stable family rests on the willingness and ability of men and women to marry, bear and rear children, and fulfill socially prescribed familial roles. In the case of women...cooking and cleaning, giving birth to children and socializing them, and providing sexual gratification, companionship, and emotional support to their husbands...the roles of men in the family are more narrowly confined to that of economic provider and family leader.” (Unks, 146)
Staples goes on to reveal the fact that a majority of black males cannot implement these pre-conceived roles. This then takes a toll on the child. Even if he or she has or has not come out to their parents, just hearing their points of view regarding the issue is enough to tear them apart. As he grows up, a sense of anger and disappointment starts developing, bearing ground within him.
So, starting from the beginning, where exactly does one look? Where can one say that this emotional block really begins? It is no hidden fact that the teenage years are the most difficult years for almost everyone. These are the years that children are trying on different identities, conflicts with parents, especially the one they're closest to start being more frequent. Their primary goal is to achieve independence and to form their own moral code, which can be quite the opposite of what they were taught, sometimes just so they can provoke their parents. It's during those times that cooperation between both the teenager and the parent is the most important. This means that the parent needs to ask themselves some questions in regards to raising their teenager, such as: “Am I a controlling parent?”, “Do I listen to my child”, and “Do I allow my child's opinions and tastes to differ from my own?” The last one can prove to be the most difficult to ask as parents are drilled with the “Mother knows best” mentality. What many of them fail to realize though is that while they do have experience, these are different times and there are situations their offspring might be a lot more familiar with than they are.
To prevent this gap from widening, there are tips that parents should follow. One is for the parent to educate themselves without forgetting what they went though themselves and to try and relate to them. Second is talk to their child early enough, by asking them questions if something is visibly wrong with them. The point is to make them feel comfortable enough to talk about anything and everything without any judgment. Ask questions: “are you noticing any changes in your body?”, “are you having any strange feelings?” or “are you sad sometimes and don't know why?” Third is to put themselves in their child's place. Though times have changed, the parent needs to understand that they are not the only ones stressed with bills and responsibilities, that the child is also stressed and that this needs to be acknowledged. Fourth is to pick their battles. Parents will go as far as putting every infraction on the same level. This will only confuse the child and it also puts the parent in the wrong position. Parents need to learn to not compare their child dyeing their hair blue to doing drugs and alcohol. This brings us to the fifth tip, which is to maintain their expectations. If parents have appropriate expectations, then the child will likely try to meet them. Sixth is to inform their teen and stay inform themselves. Parents need to make sure that they know who their child's friends are and also know these friends' parents. Find out about their views on parenting and how this might influence their child in regards to their own views.
Parents tend to joke about the fact that children don't come with manuals. As much as it would be appreciated that the newborn comes out with a user's guide attached to the umbilical cord, this still remains a fantasy. What a child does give though as they develop, are warning signs, which parents should carefully look out for, as they may signal real trouble on its way — the kind that needs professional help. These signs include sudden change in friends, falling grades, talks or even jokes about suicide and signs of tobacco, alcohol or drug use. Problems of identity and security serve as a platform for behavior a parent would never attribute to their child. Add in sexual confusion into the mix and raising this child becomes that much more difficult to accomplish. But going back to the tips that were discussed earlier, communication is key. Talking to the child and having him or her realize where exactly the parent stands on this issue will either make it easier for him or her to talk about it or have him or her repress his or her feelings that much more. But with so many factors that affect the gay community, from discrimination to HIV/AIDS, it is no surprise that it is a difficult experience for the parent as well as the gay child. It may not be as difficult for the parent as it is for the child, but it does have a powerful effect on their nature.
Where this becomes a strain on the child is when they realize that the parent no longer sees them as their child but another tragic statistic. From interviews that were carried out with youngsters between the ages of 13-20, more than 75% agreed that being gay was the most interesting thing about them to their parents in a very negative way. It was clear to them that the parent no longer saw them as their child, but as a homosexual, an uncertainty in the household. One architecture student of 22 years of age was interviewed about his coming out to his family and the response that he received:
"I came out to my mother my second year of college after she had a breakdown about the fact that I kept lying to her and she was never sure when I told her the truth or not. I wrote her a seven-page letter going back to when I realized I was gay at the age of 9 to coming out to myself and everyone else at 17 years old. I put the letter on her desk and left the house so I didn't have to see her initial reaction as she read it. She then called me crying, asking me to come home, so we can talk. When I got home, my little brother had already gone to bed and my mother was waiting for me on the sofa. She first blamed herself for not being around more in my life. She then asked if anyone had hurt me, if I was raped. Then she said that it was the lack of a father figure that made me think this way. It sounded like she had been reading up on the statistics, waiting for this moment to come. The night eventually ended with her telling me to take it easy, to not do anything drastic. The next day, we had lunch and it seemed like she was really by my side on this, that maybe this wouldn't be as difficult as I thought it would be or as people made it seem. I had spoken too soon. That year would be the worst as my mother began to trust me less and less when I told her that I had a boyfriend. There was a time where she didn't trust me with my own little brother. He was having pains in his butt at the time and my mother had found lubricant in the garbage can in the bathroom so she ultimately put two and two together. It turned out that my little brother actually had hemorrhoids, hence the pain and the lubricant, I had used for masturbation. This still didn't convince her though. She was determined that this had happened, that I had raped my little brother, even though my little brother had shown no change in behavior and no sign that this had ever happened. This ended up ruining our relationship. The summer came around when I went to Trinidad and my aunt knew of the situation so her and my mom decided that I see a therapist. My mother ended up coming in after a while so she could speak to both of us. She had determined that we had more problems than just the homosexuality and that we were not ready to live together." (Anonymous. Personal Interview. 24 April 2009).
This examples gives one an idea of how the closeted space is built around young men such as this one. One of the most sensitive subjects to be questioned here is the issue of trust. This woman no longer recognized the young man as her son but as the homosexual that he is. What that means is that even though in front of her standing there is still her son, her mind tells her otherwise. Because of pre-conceived notions of what homosexuality is, she immediately started associating these aspects with her son to the point that they had completely replaced her son. Her notion of what homosexuality was that they were a series of men who were mentally unstable, pedophiles, nymphomaniacs, to the exaggerated point where they might even be the Antichrist. Being a religious woman, this was unacceptable for her to have something like that close to her home, let alone in it. She saw her son as the danger that he represented to the family. Going back to when it was mentioned that gay men either fall into depression or excel at everything else when it comes to dealing with homosexuality, psychologists argue that presented with situations such as this one, pushes that behavior even further. It goes to a point where the young men want to disassociate themselves with other gay men as well. In the popular TV show “Greek”, one of the characters, Calvin Owens, refuses to go on in a relationship with a guy that he had just met after he sends him flowers for a wonderful night out. Calvin's argument is that his date was “too gay”. What needs to be remarked here is that this date was not flamboyant in any sense, but that he was too sensitive. In the gay community, Calvin is what is labeled as a “top”. He is the masculine one in the relationship, the one who gives, the one who knows baseball statistics, the one who wears the pants. He is in a frat and excels at almost every sport in his college. His date, Michael, is the scholar, the one who reads and analyzes too much, sets up the candlelit dinner and send flowers as signs of love and appreciation. Michael is known as a “bottom”. Tops will argue that it is not necessary for bottoms to act the way they do, that they don't need to be so feminine, that they should toughen up, that they need to be reminded that they are still men. Bottoms on the other hand, will argue that tops are too closed, that they need to be more open, that they need to talk more, that they need to be more sensitive and compassionate, that they need to be more sensitive. As it is with heterosexual relationships, there are roles that each partner feels that they are expected to follow, even though there is still room for fluidity in this sort of gender roles.
Going back to the example of Calvin Owens, another factor that comes in play is athletics. In the United States and many countries around the world, athletics occupy a special place for men. It is idolization of the male athlete, performance command attention and reverence. Pat Griffin explains the functions that sports serve in maintaining traditional gender roles and power inequities between men and women: a) defining and reinforcing traditional conceptions of masculinity, b) providing a context for acceptable and safe male bonding and intimacy, c) establishing status among other males, d) reinforcing male privilege and perceptions of female inferiority, and e) reifying heterosexuality (Messner and Sabo, 1990). Looking at these functions, one cannot help but wonder that these are just reassurances to trump many forms of insecurities present in developing young men. Constant reminders and affirmations that they are men, that they are these bundles of testosterone that need to represent that, ends up being applied in every aspect of their lives. They are taught to suppress those emotions that reflect softness, such as compassion, tenderness, or fear. It helps them develop a sense of solidarity, built with a strong foundation around their identities. We see this form of solidarity and male athlete bonding in it most extreme form in teammates participating in gang-rape and gay-bashing, developing a sort of scoring system to rank sexual conquests. This builds a sense of superiority over the female psyche and a rejection of everything considered to be feminine.
In the setting mentioned above, it would be, of course, ludicrous to even think that there are no gay or lesbian athletes. This brings up one of Griffin's functions, that of reifying heterosexuality. She asks, “if gay men can be athletes, and can display qualities of masculinity that are valued in athletics, how can other men confidently differentiate themselves from gays?” (Unks, 57). It's no surprise that every study shows that men are a lot more homophobic than women are. Part of the training they receive in athletics is the brain-washing belief that being gay is scornful. It is inferior, base and worthless. Antigay name-calling, jokes and violence serves as reassurance of their masculinity and their heterosexuality. It is a form of social control that helps them excel at athletics. Being called a “faggot” or being compared to a girl is probably the worst insult one can throw at an athlete. For those who are actually gay in this setting, it becomes an environment that is uncomfortable and even dangerous for them. What gay and lesbian athletes end up discovering is that it is best for them to remain in the closet with a “don't ask, don't tell” policy. Another TV show, “Jack & Bobby” explores this aspect of athletics with one of the main characters, Jack McCallister, a senior in high school, the quarterback for his football team and his close friend, Matt Kramer. Jack comes to school one day to find out from one of his classmates that Matt had committed suicide. Jack runs to the bathroom distraught and starts throwing up. The episode, called “Lost Boys”, then goes into a flashback to explore the relationship between Jack and Matt, showing the audience how different it was in Matt's eyes than it was in Jack's. Jack had always been close to Matt, completely unaware that the reason Matt would always hang out with him was not because they had a lot in common but because he enjoyed his company, and that he had a crush on him. In a locker room scene, Jack asks Matt why he doesn't like his girlfriend, if it's some kind of jealousy he's developing so he can have the girl for himself. Matt then confesses to him that he's jealous of her. This throws both young men completely aback. Matt apologizes for being honest but says that he isn't sorry for the way he feels. Jack warns him to keep these thoughts to himself if he wants to stay on the team and even something close to their friendship to remain. Matt, heartbroken, quits the team and eventually stops coming to school. He is later found dead from suicide. When Matt's family asks Jack to speak at his funeral, Jack tries to tell the parents of Matt's true nature but finds to his surprise that the mother was very well aware and forced Matt to repress his feelings and keep them from his father. Matt Kramer is a tragic example of too much being bottled up inside to the point that the pressure was just too much and everything just collapsed. Young men especially start developing feelings of isolation and self-hatred. This hatred though isn't just towards themselves, but other homosexuals as well. Because of the notions that are associated with this concept, they begin to fear and hate this identity about themselves as they try to distance themselves from it as much as possible. As a result, they cope or respond in several different ways ranging from athletic and academic performance suffering to engaging in heterosexual dating and sex to deny such feelings and hide their identity from others. Others on the other hand, as mentioned earlier in this paper, focus their attention on high achievement as a way to deflect such thoughts and suspicions away from them as much as possible. Ask our society if they would ever suspect that the star football player, the class valedictorian or the class president was lesbian or gay, they would never even fathom the idea. However, there are those such as Matt Kramer that are not strong enough to cope with such negative perceptions and judgment. The mere thought of happiness in an uncertain future is inconceivable. As a result, these athletes become the suicide statistics that make up our studies.
Those who do survive these difficult times and do accept themselves as they are, end up developing different issues in regards to the relationships that they try to pursue. We start seeing relationships that follow paths similar to what one experienced with Calvin Owens and Michael in “Greek”. Fact of the matter is, the self-hatred and isolation they experienced during their high school years gets carried on to the partner they are trying to build a life with. It is a form of narcissism where they see themselves in that partner, envying them for their comfort and ease and longing for it as well, but also hating them for “being so gay”. To this partner, the relationship may feel like it is a one-way street, that he's doing all the work and may even believe that there's no response from the other party because there's no will. What he fails to understand is that there's no comprehension. The “closed” partner, for lack of a better word, doesn't know how to express these emotions of care and affection because it still feels abnormal to him. It may go as far to say that it just doesn't feel right because of the heteronormative that he was subjected to most his life, where the most important development happens. One closeted engineering student of 21 years of ages speaks of his perception:
"I didn't exactly understand why I felt this way towards him. I knew I was capable of loving him. But to me, it wasn't just being gay. I think even if I was in a straight relationship, I would have been the same. I just grew to be someone who just didn't feel comfortable putting his heart on his sleeve. I just didn't feel the necessity to express every emotion I was feeling in a visible way. This got to him, of course. He wasn't flamboyant but it was definitely possible to tell from his behavior and facial expression what he was feeling. I mean, he has to understand that I am in a frat and in the team. I wouldn't say that this kind of behavior isn't acceptable but it caused discomfort. He hates the fact that I show him a different face depending on who we're with. Sometimes, I don't even introduce him since I don't want people to suspect but at the same time, I'm not even sure what I would introduce him as. I wasn't even comfortable referring to him as just a friend since he wasn't. At the same time, my biggest fear is losing him." (Anonymous. Personal Interview. 2 May 2009).
This particular case was chosen because of his involvement in the male bonding social activities and his being out only to a certain amount of people, his family not included. The irony of a homophobic homosexual isn't as strange as it sounds. To an outsider sheltered by a heterosexist environment, this comes off as either hypocritical, abnormal or what others consider to be a “phase”. Support is minimal as there is a normality associated with such behavior.
Gay. Definition: happily excited; keenly alive and exuberant; having or inducing high spirits; brilliant in color; given to social pleasures. Thanks to stereotypes associated with what a homosexual man is “supposed” to be, these men are able to hide behind that and let the “too gay” ones take the spotlight and the shame that comes along with it. The point is not too flaunt a flamboyance that affirms a certain level of security to society's ignorance, but to provide a better understanding to what this “condition” is, for lack of a better word. Society is known to attribute labels to anything and everything. That way, the illusion of a certain conceived knowledge helps them sleep better at night. Lin Yutang, a Chinese writer once said that “society can only exist on the basis that there is some amount of polished lying and that no one says exactly what he thinks.” The main purpose is diversion and always has been. Politicians, coaches, teachers, mentors, parents and all of those that are expected to be models and idols have that as their main flaw. These are the strongest foundations upon which these societies are built upon.
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