You don't know what you've got until it's gone...There are about 151,000 songs out there that preach this, and this is only in English. Yet how come it refuses to register within our mindset? As a follow-up to my previous entry, "For Reasons Known", this is a continuing analysis of the human mindset when it comes to relationships. Whether it's because of how we were raised or how the perfect relationship is perceived in the next Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan romantic comedy (sorry, I'm old school), all of us have these expectations of what and how relationships are supposed to be, the steps they are supposed to follow, at what point one is supposed to be after this many years. It's logical. As professionals, we can try to argue both sides of the case but when it comes to human emotions, this is impossible. Math doesn't work. If it did, so much would be understood as to why we love or why many of us tend to be attracted to the same type of people. As I've heard once on "This American Life" on Chicago Public Radio, sure there is someone out there for everyone. Good luck with that because they might speak Chinese.
Overtime, relationships have evolved and gotten so complicated. Now that it is becoming clearer than before that gay relationships do exist and do thrive, psychologists have had a lot more on their plate now. When it comes to gay relationships, we deal with something that straight couples don't deal with and that is the closet case. Because of what society believes a man is supposed to be, there are expectations to be met. "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" should be enough of a clue. It's a non-sensical policy. The same applies to sports. Men have a certain camaraderie where there is a level of comfort and displays of affection that they can safely apply to each other without the risk that there is a hidden meaning behind it, that might cause discomfort...well, at least, on the surface. Add a gay man into this mix and for them to know that this man is gay would shatter that world for them. It's heterosexual security. It keeps them sane. It helps them cope with the old ball and chain back home. What's even worse is finding gay men who act in this manner. Ever heard a gay man say about another that he doesn't understand why he has to be such a faggot? Society has created conflicts within every spectrum. People have become outcasts amongst outcasts. There will always be high-fives, misogynistic comments, beer and sports. And no one will notice the closet case, sitting alone in the back, afraid and hurting because of what he is forced to show on the outside until they found him dead in his room, overdosed. His only comfort was that he was in his room, alone, away from the judgment.
Pushing this further into African-American communities, it becomes even more complicated. African-American families have dealt with problems on all ends when it comes to keeping families together. A man is the leader of the family. He is expected to keep everything together. With tradition, the woman looks up to him. He is her rock. She depends on him. This is how he was raised. The Jehovah's Witnesses who come knocking kn your door on Saturday mornings take this quite drastically. They've become maniacal with every aspect so much that celebrating your own son's or daughter's birthday is looked down upon by the "community". As a developing young man in such a community, the feelings they may feel towards another young man are suppressed with again, the expectation that they will fade away. But what ends up happening is misery and loneliness, where the family that they have constructed and worked so hard on never really develops emotionally within them. What ends up happening is their trips to other parts of town to have illicit sex with other men. This will obviously be seen as animalistic, their irony of human nature. But these men are so troubled that they can never really be in a relationship with a man or a woman. The ones that have started families though are the ones that are hurt the most. Not only are they hurt but the family is completely destroyed, with the poor children hanging in the balance, either too young to understand what's going on or too fragile to witness their support system completely fall apart over time. All of this because of ignorance, stubbornness and close-mindedness. Misunderstanding brings violent distrust.
With this in mind, where does that put those of us who have come to grips with who we are? We become stubborn, selfish and pushy. We've literally become bullies to people who want to love us because we expect them to do the same as us. We're out of the closet so why can't they do it? Even if we know it'll be harder for them, we still push and push and push. Some of us who are out just know for a fact that we could never go out with someone else who is in the closet because of the double-face, being introduced sometimes as a friend, sometimes not at all. We feel hurt and unappreciated. We feel that this person that you love so much is embarassed to be seen with you because he is a man and there are rules to follow. We fail to realize that all that person needed was for us to help them, to not show them the same judgment and criticism that forces them in the closet in the first place. They feel that as a gay man yourself, you would understand where he is coming from. But we make it that much harder for him because you are an outcast just as he is, so to be rejected by that community as well is that much harder. We never realized he was caring, honest, understanding and we threw it all away just for the sake of holding his hand in public or just being kissed in public. Relationships are so much more than that. This is a plea for understanding and acceptance. We have too many problems in this community already. Let's not make it worse. It is unfortunate that we will most likely realize this when the love he used to feel for you is just not there anymore. You think back of how he used to say you would be the perfect boyfriend, of how it made his day to see his favorite person in the world, of the names you used to have for each other...None of is there anymore.
You've lost the battle.
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