Confessions of a Dildo

January 24th, 1969

Dear diary,

here I am lying still in the darkness...awaiting the inevitable moment when the Hand comes to get me. So dark and so stuffy in here...I always wondered why the Hand kept me under so much articles...how am I to survive like this? The events of the day start flowing back to me. I remember being on the shelf with the rest of my family: papi Audi-Oh, mami Rabbit, uncle Dirty Harry, auntie Quiver-n-Tingle, the exchange student Fukuoku, which translates into something about two fingers and a thumb and little Rascal Eddie. We were all happy together...until she came. I knew from the moment I saw her she had no good intentions, that she meant to separate us...and sure enough she did. The days that followed were ones of terror, confusion, and discomfort. Every night, as that great ball of fire disappeared, she would appear from above and I felt myself lifted into the light only to be plunged back into darkness. Up and down I would go, my poor head constantly against and into this sweaty, stuffy cave. oh the agony; oh, the pain; oh, the misery. I am too sensitive for this kind of a job. I have emotions too, you know...dear God of lubricant plastics, what is that smell?!?!??!... .... ...(low battery)...